Here's to lessons learned.

It has been quite some time since my last post. I don't know where the time has gone, I almost feel as if I have just floated through time since then. So wrapped up in the moment that I haven't been able to fully grasp what I was going through. Getting a divorce is not a walk in the park, not even if it was a mutual decision. A divorce symbolizes failure and I never want to fail again.

I haven't had too much "me" time so it has been hard to gather my thoughts for a blog.

School is, well...it's school. I can without a doubt tell you that my 4.0 is in jeopardy. But, I am actually ok with that. I never said I wanted to take over the world, I just wanted the option to.

Kids are doing well. I am still trying to make the best decisions for them. They are my ONLY certainties in life and I am happily obligated to ensure that they have the best. So, there is a lot that has been weighing on my mind. Some decisions are more important than the others, but they are all tied together like a shoelace that has been unraveled. But, momma is quietly judging and taking notes and will kneel down and tie those laces again very soon. I am just going through the motions in life, living one day at a time. I may not have it all figured out at this moment in time but it is all becoming clear to me. I have been in a maze and I am making my way out again. I thought I knew myself before, but I have faith that I will truly know me when I reach the end of this particular road. I am wondering around searching for the next path.

I feel that today may be a step closer to that road. For the first time in a long time, I have taken a deep breath and actually took time to consider the things that I do not want in life. It is easy to summarize the things that you do want, but realizing what you do not want really puts everything into perspective.

Apart of me wants to take chances. But, how do we ever know if that one chance we take will put us in the same situation later in life? I believe that is where "lessons learned" takes place.

There should never be mistakes in life. Rather, lessons learned.

Assess your situation. Allow yourself to consider what is important to you. Is making over 100k/year important to you? Is dating a man that loves your kids important to you? Is marrying someone who is attentive to your emotions important to you? Maybe being a stay at home mommy is important to you. Whatever it is, make sure you KNOW and make sure you MAKE it happen and NEVER settle for less. Settling for less is what leads to that infamous word: FAILURE.

Have a great night my beautiful g'friends. Remember that we create our own happiness. Depressed state of minds are temporary. Latch on to your goals in life. Don't lose sight of who YOU are and NEVER let anyone change the REAL YOU.

I can only imagine

http://www.teamhoyt.com/

Please watch this video and read about the increbile love of this father.

I can only imagine how beautiful it will be for Rick to see our Heavenly Father. He will be free to use his legs. Walk beside our Maker. Dance with Jesus. How glorifying it is to think how this life is just a stepping stone to where we really belong because we don't belong here---this is our temporary home.

The Early Years
Rick was born in 1962 to Dick and Judy Hoyt. As a result of oxygen deprivation to Rick's brain at the time of his birth, Rick was diagnosed as a spastic quadriplegic with cerebral palsy. Dick and Judy were advised to institutionalize Rick because there was no chance of him recovering, and little hope for Rick to live a "normal" life. This was just the beginning of Dick and Judy's quest for Rick's inclusion in community, sports, education and one day, the workplace.

Dick and Judy soon realized that though Rick couldn't walk or speak; he was quite astute and his eyes would follow them around the room. They fought to integrate Rick into the public school system, pushing administrators to see beyond Rick's physical limitations. Dick and Judy would take Rick sledding and swimming, and even taught him the alphabet and basic words, like any other child. After providing concrete evidence of Rick's intellect and ability to learn like everyone else, Dick and Judy needed to find a way to help Rick communicate for himself. More...

The Beginning of Team Hoyt
In the spring of 1977, Rick told his father that he wanted to participate in a 5-mile benefit run for a Lacrosse player who had been paralyzed in an accident. Far from being a long-distance runner, Dick agreed to push Rick in his wheelchair and they finished all 5 miles, coming in next to last. That night, Rick told his father, "Dad, when I'm running, it feels like I'm not handicapped."

This realization was just the beginning of what would become over 1,000 races completed, including marathons, duathlons and triathlons (6 of them being Ironman competitions). Also adding to their list of achievements, Dick and Rick biked and ran across the U.S. in 1992, completing a full 3,735 miles in 45 days. More...

In a triathlon, Dick will pull Rick in a boat with a bungee cord attached to a vest around his waist and to the front of the boat for the swimming stage. For the biking stage, Rick will ride a special two-seater bicycle, and then Dick will push Rick in his custom made running chair (for the running stage).

Rick was once asked, if he could give his father one thing, what would it be? Rick responded, "The thing I'd most like is for my dad to sit in the chair and I would push him for once."

The 2009 Boston Marathon was officially Team Hoyt's 1000th race. Rick always says if it comes down to doing one race a year he would like it to be the Boston Marathon: his favorite race. Dick Hoyt hopes that he is able to push Rick in the Boston Marathon when he is 70 years old (2011)! Neither Dick or Rick are ready to retire yet.

we aren't embarassed to ask random strangers to take our picture.

Nah, taking three kids to UHD to speak to an advisor and then talking to the financial aid department wasn't that bad. I mean, after all....my son is wearing an indian hat. This was a very important day for us. Before we walked into the university, I told them the importance of this trip. I told them that this is the first step to mommy being able to buy us a house. Buy them nice things and have a comfortable life. Other than fighting over who was going to push the elevator button first, they were actually very well behaved. I think they get it. I really do. Well, except for the sumu wrestler in the stroller ;-) She is oblivious to mostly everything. And well. Ok, the indian guy pretty much walks with his head up his ass, but he sure is cute doing it. Reese is taking all this in like a sponge. She is a 35 year old stuck in a 5 year olds body I think.

All in all, I wouldn't have imagined that important day of registering for 18 hours at UHD spent with anyone other than my three babies. They give me encouragement, inspiration.

G'night.

My hope is floating.

tears are falling. but, from sad to happy.

All is peaceful in the Bredehoeft household. Bredehoeft. B r e d e h o e f t. I love my German last name. But, here we go again with the annoying pronunciations. Richardson was so much more simple. But, simplicity is not what I want out of life.

It is night #2 here. I actually have no shame in living with my parents at almost 30 years old. I know that it is the best for the kids and me. I have registered for 18 hours at UHD Fall semester and will graduate in May 2011 with an Interdiscliplinary Studies specializing in Humanities.

If I am going to put my babies in full time daycare, you bet your ass it's going to be for a good paying job. That damn piece of paper I have been so close to for so long is almost at my fingertips. I can close my eyes and visualize Reese watching me walk across that stage. I can also visualize telling my daughters to never be dependent of a man. Never. I don't want them to ever feel "stuck."

These next two semesters are not going to be easy. But, this is something I must do. For me. For my kids. For Grandma Lena.

Reese starts kindergarten on Monday. I am having conflicting emotions. Seems like just yesterday I found out I was pregnant with her. It was Valentine's Day 2004. The best Valentine's gift (and LAST, enter bitterness here)anyone ever gave me, the day I found out I was going to be a mommy. I can remember thinking about her big day starting school while she was growing inside of me. I would rub my belly and tell her that she needs to take the next 6 years very slow. Why am I crying as I write this? Is it because I am really upset about her starting kinder or is it because I have been a single parent for the last 6 years? Either way, God blessed me with three incredible children who are healthy and I couldn't ask for more out of life. But, as I sit here and write I am hopeful of the future. Not long ago I was asking my OBGYN to cut me off from the baby making department---the tears are falling again---Now, I'm hopeful that one day I will have someone to talk to my belly as his baby is growing inside of me. Go to dr's appts with me, not asking for all but for God's sake atleast the one we find out the gender. Talk to me about baby names with excitement. Help me with the baby's room. Stay with me at the hospital and stare in awe at our creation. I only thought that happend in the movies, but I am hopeful that I can have that one day. I am ONLY 29. Yes, I said only. I know with all my heart that God will allow me to share that with someone one day. One day after graduation.

Grant jr is turning FOUR in a month. I honestly can't remember too much of his first year or two. Truth be told that was the hardest time of my life. I had a wild toddler and a colicky baby. And when I say wild I mean Reese was into EVERYTHING and when I say colicky I mean that Grant screamed his head off for hours and hours and hours every night for months. There were times that I hated life. I loved my kids but hated the situation. Hated that I had to bathe a wild toddler and a screaming baby and get that wild toddler to sleep while breastfeeding a SCREAMING baby all my myself. I think that was a defining time in my life. It changed me. I became angry. Angry that I was doing it all on my own. Angry that I was alone. Angry that three years later I spent almost everynight alone pregnant with Rowan. Rushed to the hospital three times due to preterm labor from dealing with two kids everynight by myself. Angry that I delivered her 6 wks early because of it. But, what good is anger if you can't learn from it? I have learned to never put myself in that situation again. Do I need to explain that I am so grateful for my children and that I mean that I will never marry someone who I didn't think would help me with his child. But, if you know me, I guess I needn't explain anything.

Rowan is the most precious child I have ever laid eyes on. I have missed her. The last 6 weeks have been strange for me. She is my first baby that I haven't been able to be with all day, any day. But, it became easier as time went on. I found myself happy as I was trying to find myself. I never would have gone more than an hour without Reese when she was a toddler. And only my mom watched her that one hour. I didn't even let her sleep in her crib...... she slept next to me for two years. It does get easier with each child. I am a professional mommy and even though they drive me nuts sometimes, I love them with all my heart.

And I am ready for happy tears to fall. I am done with the sad ones.

G'night.

:) I can go back blond now. It's who I am. And I'm ok with her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1bxlDAjGCo

Writing is good for the soul.

CHANGES. I must say that change is a little harder than I remember. Is it the fear of the unknown that scares me? Letting go, moving on, starting over..... ?

Packing alone has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. Add three kids at your feet and it really takes it all to a different emotional level. Although, their occasional giggles put everything into perspective for me.

When did I become an emotional eater? I have eaten an entire batch of cookies, Reese's Pieces, Dr Pepper GALORE and Mexican food just today. Still no cigarette---- so what's a couple extra pounds that my mother begs me to gain anyway. And speaking of my parents(and my brother,)

I am just shaking my head in awe at their love and kindness. They make my kids and me a priority, therefore they will always be a priority of mine.

I have a lot to consider. A lot of decisions to make about the future for the kids and me. I am not sure what the future holds. But, I do know that I have three responsibilities and I owe it to them to be the best that I can be for them. This may be a defining moment in their life.

The kids and I visited the Star of Hope today. I have come to the conclusion that I drive that 25 minute drive every other day for a reason other than donations. Maybe I'm selfish for this, but it is a reminder to me. A reminder that I do have somewhere to go. A family that loves my kids and me. Two days ago I got into an in depth conversation with a male employee of the SOH, who lives at the men's shelter. He told me of his divorce and inability to find a full time job, therefore had no other choice but to reside at the shelter. I hugged him and told him that THIS TOO SHALL PASS and then I got in my car, with my three kids looking at me with their bright,hopeful eyes and I thanked God at that moment for my family. For accepting my change. For supporting my change. That man needs the Star of Hope for employment. Not me. I need the Star of Hope for fulfillment. And encouragement that I can be a better person.

I strive to be that better person. A better mother, sister, daughter, friend, and maybe one day wife. I am a sinner. We all are. And I am not going to write as if I have perfected any one of those titles. But, the next half of my life and there on out will be devoted to reaching that perfection. Someone once shared the "backpack theory" with me. At almost 30, I feel confident that I have wrapped my head around the meaning of the theory. I have three kids in my backpack. And anyone who is positive, supportive, loving, and encouraging can join them in my backpack. Anyone else is not a worry of mine.

I am done chasing pavements. I am done worrying about what I can't control and focusing on what I can.

Falling into place.

Oh, and yes. I deactivated my Facebook. I know, this is almost unbelievable. But, you know what?? I have stepped into the boxing ring and I'm fighting for what is important to me.

It's not what happens to you in life, it's how you handle it.

The kids are asleep---and I just had my first Dr Pepper in days---- so, I can't sleep and I have much running through my mind.

The kids and I are moving in with my parents soon. I want this whole process to be a smooth transition for them. Even though I am swallowing my pride and giving up my home and my freedom, I know that this is the best option for the only three certainties I have in life: Reese, Grant jr, and Rowan.

Job hunting without a college degree is definitely not the most confident I have been. After I threw a pity party tonight, I saw a video of an incredible man with no limbs who did not let what most people would call a "disadvantage" limit himself. If this man can achieve all that he has dreamed of, I can too. It's not what happens to you in life, it's how you handle it

During my adventures in search for a job today, I ended up in a building for a property management position that shared the building with a modeling agency. I looked at the door to the management company. Then I looked at the door to the modeling agency. I knew that one door would have led me to quick cash that I could use. And I knew that the other door was going to be a fight to prove myself. Sometimes in life we find that one thing, or person, that is worth the fight.

I smiled at the modeling agency company, held my head up high, and told myself that it's fight time and walked into the property management company.

The end result may not lead to a job offer, but I chose the new path. The path that may not have instant gratification, but rather a lifetime of wise decisions. I closed the door to modeling two years ago. And this new path im on is closing doors and never looking back. With faith and visualizing the "big picture," I can reach the other side of the mountain with my heart, my knowledge, my passion, my drive. Not my looks.

Maybe, just maybe, people will look past my past and allow me put on my boxing gloves and fight for what I want, not what I use to want. And fight for me handling situations better. Afterall, it is never about what happens to you in life.

change yourself. change your world.

I wish I was a little bit more mysterious but I am about as open as a book can be. When I am happy with a particular person, you will know about it. When I am happy with a particular activity, you will know about it.

So I don't think it's too much of a shocker to say that there are certain aspects of my life that are making me unhappy. But, I live by "we create our own happiness" and I am determined to be happy in all the ways possible. If I am happy than it will reflect on my children and therefore they will be happy. After all, everything I do ultimately is for them.

The old me would be smoking a pack of cigarettes right about now. But, remember that new found superwoman I have found? She led me to do something that I never imagined I'd be able to do. CrossFit. CrossFit has quickly became a lifestyle change for me.
Since my junior year in high school (yes, that was a very long time ago) I haven't consistently worked out. My idea of working out the last 11 years was a stair stepper with a dr pepper in one hand and texting every girlfriend I had in the other. I may look healthy and in shape but I am not.
I came to a cross road in my life and decided to take the route that I never would have taken before. The HEALTHY route. Whether it's CrossFit or deciding to never smoke again or getting rid of any unhealthy relationship in my life, I know that it's what's best for my kids and me.
You hear it all the time, but life IS too short to continue taking the wrong road. Stop thinking people are going to change. Change yourself and you can change your world.

Look past your front door.

As you may know, I put my my all into Seth's benefit. I can honestly sit here and say that I never have been more passionate about anything in my life. I truly wanted to raise money for his mother to give her less of a financial burden. Planning the benefit was not an easy thing. I had a lot of help but ultimately the entire event was based on my decisions. Yes, it was stressful but every time I felt overwhelmed, I'd look at my three healthy babies and thank God. Being Jennifer is stressful, not helping her from the sidelines.

The day of the benefit I was, well....you could say a little frazzled. The day that I had planned for over 2 months had arrived. My three kids were there, of course and I was trying to run the show while making sure my kids were safe. I wont name any names but a particular somebody decided to get completely drunk. Subsequently, I felt a lot of pressure to run the entire benefit's events AND keep an eye on my children.

After the benefit I was eager to count the donations that we had received. Now, here comes the defining moment in my life. I will never forget lying on the ground counting the money after an incredibly tiring two months of anticipation for this very moment. How much money did we raise? I was so very excited yet ultimately had no one to share it with. As I was counting the money I had to endure a lecture on how I should keep 10% of the donations for the work I had done from the drunk. Even writing this makes me want to vomit. After the SUPERWOMAN in me came out, the drunk left, I laid on the floor crying for hours. Obviously I did not make a profit off of my friend's son's benefit. What kind of person does that? A person that just defined a moment in my life.

On another note. I never got to meet Seth. Although, I have read about him and seen pictures for years on Myspace and Facebook. I do know that as a mother I cannot imagine what Jennifer has gone through. I hope I never have to. I know that she misses Seth more than any of us can imagine. Each day I pray for her strength.

The benefit brought me closer to a lot of people and it helped me see that there are incredible people in our community. Sometimes you just have to look past your front door to find them.

we are not so different you and I

I love my three children more than life itself. But, there is just something about the children at the homeless shelter that fulfills me. I have been seeing these children every month and when I am lucky, I get to see them on their birthdays too.
My own babies give me every emotion you can imagine, but the homeless children give me a more in depth feeling of appreciation.

I don't even know their names and they don't know mine. But, when I see them and they see me, we cling to each other. It isn't a hug I get from a friend or even my own children. The hug I receive from the homeless children is out of desperation, hope. They give me hope that I can be a better person and I give them hope that they have a future.

Sometimes at Cookie Night I see my volunteers laughing and interacting with the residents of the Star of Hope. At times I become an outsider and observe them laughing and hugging. You have no idea how fulfilling that is for me to share the love of these children with others. It is an utmost rewarding feeling.

You see, I proudly grew up in Corrigan. I wasn't a country club child nor do I have any negative feelings to those who were. Actually, many of my friends were. But, Grant only finds the importance of our children hanging out with those at the country club and not the homeless shelter. He actually blatantly doesn't like Cookie Night. I disagree with his reasoning. It is utterly encouraging to see my children playing with the children at the shelter. They are seeing how other people live and at just (almost) 6 and 4, Reese and Grant Jr have grasped the concept that they are so incredibly blessed. Money may buy nice things and make life easier but I am telling you right now that life is not about money and I never want my children to live that way. I want to raise them knowing that it is OUR job as parents, Christians, as humans, to be the salt of the earth. To give back. To love on children less fortunate. To be kind to everyone. After all, we are all fighting our own battles.

I want to tell the mothers at the shelter that "We are not so different, you and I." The color of their skin may be darker than mine. But, we bleed red. We breathe the same air. We have the same Father. We all cry, laugh, love, need, give. I am a very open person so I have no shame admitting this. But, as a single mother I cried on an apartment floor for hours not knowing how I was going to pay for bills. The difference between myself and the mothers at the shelter is that I had a place to go to. I have parents who welcome my children and me with open arms. These mothers do not. So, how can I not help them? I made a promise to myself that I will never be in that situation again (enter college degree here) as well as promising God that I will make it a life necessity to be there for the women who don't have that opportunity.

Lying on that apartment floor screaming for God was a defining moment in my life. It lead me to eventually finding my inner superwoman. And that has made all the difference in my life.

life is unknown but a mother's love is certain.

Two years ago I stood in Dominique's spot at KPRC Local 2 and read a teleprompter, thanks to a friend of mine who worked at the station. As I read the words, tears rolled down my eyes. I never really realized how much of an impact that moment would have on me. At the time I was somehow sucked into the LA scene and being told different things such as, "you have the face for Hollywood." I never wanted to be a model or famous. Just to make sure you read that correctly, I NEVER WANTED TO BE A MODEL or famous. Psychologists would have a field day with the reasons I acted upon any of that, but it doesn't matter to me. Since I was fifteen, I wanted to be a newscaster. I would literally turn down the volume and read the words the reporters were saying on the television for hours upon hours. I thoroughly enjoyed doing the morning news in high school for Broadcast Journalism class and even though I may not have been the best radio dj, I loved being Kris Kelly on 89.7 KACC. I attended the best college for Radio and Televesion, SHSU, and tears rolled down my face when I saw that Sam Houston statue as I pulled into Huntsville each time. I loved walking up that hill to class in the Dan Rather building. The building named after the man who grew up with my grandfather, Robert Bredehoeft. I had a letter typed out to Mr. Rather asking him if I could intern with him in NY. I never sent the letter. I fell in love. And that love led us to cohabitation, marriage, a baby and then two more babies. So, I mostly forgot about the passion I used to have for Broadcast Journalism. But, here I am. Almost 29 years old and hanging on to my youth with every inch of my mind, body and soul. And I am thinking back to two years ago when I sat in that newstation and felt this overwhelming sense of "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MODELING, YOU SHOULD BE DOING THIS. " But, then I became pregnant. I am laughing as I say that because I am SO incredibly happy that I did. I love her so much and God sure has a sense of humor. But, here I am. Back in college. Maybe I won't ever end up on the news. Maybe that was just a fantasy dream. But, how can I ever live with myself if I don't get the degree and be on equal playing field as the others? Maybe I will finish school next year and decide that I do want to be a real estate broker the rest of my life. But, how will I ever know if I don't explore my options?

Reese is once again on vacation with my parents. I think they were mostly afraid she'd be mad that they went without her. I still owe her $100 for stealing the show after her recital performance. She ran to the front of the stage when dance was over and took a bow and blew a kiss. Like I said before, she will be on Broadway one day. And I will always be her biggest fan.

Little G's imaginary friend is now a female named Leah. She is his girlfriend and he says that the Blue Bear has a girlfriend too. Ultimately, I have witnessed my son transform into a guy that hangs out with his buddies to a guy who is interested in the ladies.

Rowan. Well, she is just a short little lady who looks like a midget with a huge rear end when naked. She was the missing piece of my heart. And I feel complete in the child bearing department. Well, maybe.

secret infatuation.

My Dearest,
I wake up every morning thinking about you. My mouth quivers at the thought of you touching my lips, making my tongue ripple as you enter. You smoothly touch the top of my throat while tickling my whole body. You are so gentle as you flow down my throat and caress every inch of my insides as you go down. Your dark color and desirable texture is like no other. There is nothing that compares to you. I have tried others and I haven't seem to find the satisfaction as I do with you.
Oh Dr Pepper. You make this woman happy.

A woman's sense of self worth.

I don't have too many funny things to blog about today. Well, I mean, don't get me wrong. My whole life is humorous. From writing right now with mostly my left hand because I slammed the right one in the door at the vet's office to asking a homeless person for fifty cents so I could have enough money to pay the meter in the streets of Downtown Houston this morning so I could turn my assignment in. That was clearly a run on sentence but I consider myself a run on sentence so it suits this blog.

Rowan and Little G have been content at home with Amanda and Reese started camp today. So, I don't have too many good laughs to share with you about them. I think I have become immune to their weirdness so it isn't such a shocker to me when my daughter does things like spread Coco's legs and tell a complete stranger today at the vet's office "see, she is a girl."

There is this one subject lying on my mind lately and it is a woman's sense of self worth.
I have been a stay at home mom for the majority of the last 6 years. Yes, I became a broker and solely opened a real estate company while my kids were in Mother's Day Out, but I was there at 2pm to pick them up everyday. So, I can look back and say that, yes, being a mother is the most rewarding job I will ever have. But, as women we sometimes get lost in our children. We deserve something of our own. Google Faith Hill's "I Can't Do That Anymore."
I grew up in a family where we valued what God has given us. I do appreciate the fact that I can be a stay at home mother. I do appreciate that the good Lord has blessed me with three perfect human beings that I don't think I deserve. I do appreciate that I have a home. I have a decent SUV. But, I have sat in the corner and watched my husband become Mr. Successful. And even though I reached for the stars by opening my very own real estate business at 25 and in fact was successful at it, I still had two children at my feet Monday-Thursday after 2pm and all day Friday's. Between a marital separation and a big surprise pregnancy, I had to let my company go. But, what you aren't reading between the lines is that everything happens for a reason. I gained a sense of self worth when I owned Richardson Real Estate. But, God lead me down a different path. The numbers 714 lead me to The University of Houston and as odd as that may sound, I am proud to say that my great grandmother Lena is telling me to earn a degree and earn respect. Gain your sense of self worth again. So, here I am. Listening to my grandfather's mother whom I have never had the pleasure of meeting. Lena was a woman of great strength. She delivered and cared for her 10 children while grandfather George was in the fields working. She didn't have the opportunity to gain a sense of self worth. I do. I am not saying that every woman should seek a degree or they will never feel fulfilled. We all have our own needs and desires. We just have to attain the knowledge to seek it. The confidence we deserve.

So, ladies. Let's explore our opportunities and grasp what YOU want in life. Our children will not only benefit from our new found demand for respect but they will never forget that mom never let her aspirations go even when she was taking care of them. Find your inner superwoman, she is there.

how can I not mention this?

I have written about my 5 year old daughter being wise beyond her years so how can I not mention this?

While in Arkansas last week with my parents, my son, as I mentioned in previous post he likes to do, was telling one of his stories in the car. As the mother who hears these stories on a regular basis, I know that must have been a long car ride. My dad, who I must say loves my children more than his own life, simply said, "Reese, what would you do with a roll of duct tape?"
Now, I have been around many children as a substitute for a couple of years and then there was that ONE hour that I worked at a daycare. So, I know that her response confirms why I say she is way beyond her years. She said without any hesitant , "I'd put it over my brother's mouth."

Why is our perception so different? Never judge a book by it's cover.

This topic is clearly not funny but hopefully gives you a little insight about the real Kristen.
I recently had to write a discussion paper over "Popularity and Friends in adolescents" for my Human Growth and Development class.
As I was preparing to write, I asked a few friends their opinion on how it felt to be either "popular" or "unpopular." As almost 30 year olds it seems almost funny to discuss this. The truth of the matter is that popularity doesn't matter in the whole scheme of life. But, according to the required book for class, popularity becomes the center of a child's universe. As a parent, that statement is terrifying.

Through talking to some of my school aged peers, I have heard many of their different perceptions about me from school. Laura Gant sat on my floor and said, "I still ask myself when we are hanging out if I am really friends with Kristen Bredehoeft(emphasis on name)?

Now, if you know me...I mean, really know me, you know that I am not sharing this to brag. I have actually always had a very low self esteem. I am old(er) now and can unashamedly admit that. It wasn't until after having two children that I finally became comfortable in my skin. Yes, this is a reason I began modeling. See, from an outsiders view you may not have known this. People always just assume. I spent most of my life being told I was beautiful and never believing it.

But, I am sitting here shaking my head and laughing because outside beauty is incredibly overrated. INNER BEAUTY is what defines you as a person. Beauty fades. Breasts droop. Butts are too taken over by gravity. You cannot take beautiful hair to the grave. You can take a beautiful heart and although it took me way too long to realize that, I am glad I am at that place in my life.

So, when I am told by many friends that I "WAS very popular", "they wanted to be me" blah blah blah, I am almost flabbergasted. Actually, just a moment ago I was told by a dear old friend that they have NEVER seen me be shy. I may have been a cheerleader and comfortable in front of a crowd, but intimate conversations with unintimate peers was highly uncomfortable for me. I can remember distinctly walking in the commons not really knowing who to cling to. Why didn't anyone notice I was so shy? Instead, they coined me as "snob" and who knows what else.
My perception of myself was that I knew I was accepted by "the popular crowd" but I honestly didn't associate with them. You see, who was popular to me is different than who was popular to the next person. I was a train wreck in junior high and even more in high school. And college, well...we wont touch on that.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we all live in our own world of perception and it's almost unfortunate.

At almost 30 I can sigh and say that my life has come full circle. I only thought I was comfortable in my skin at 26 years old. At nearly 29 I may not like these new lines on my face but I am happy with who I am. I don't need anyone other than my maker's approval and I surely don't need to be told I am beautiful. But, if I was, I'd believe it now---because I do know that yes, I make mistakes, but my heart is beautiful and that is more satisfactory that any other beauty and some silly approval of popularity.

June 10, 2010



So today I went dark. Some psychologists say that women make drastic changes for a reason. Not really sure what my reasoning is other than the fact that I am utterly sick of black roots and bleach blond hair. I'm not quite sure if I like it, but ultimately I don't care. Maybe I will be taken more seriously, ha!

On a more intimate note, as I was leaving for class this morning at 7am, yes I said 7 IN THE MORNING, I stood at the bottom of the stairs hoping Rowan would wake up before I left. I was conflicted between letting her be taken out of her crib by the babysitter or being late to class.
For almost 6 years I would have just been late. OK, let's be honest. I just wouldn't have registered for a class. But, today was different. Even though I stopped in my tracks and questioned myself, "why are you doing this, you should be home with her all day" I took a deep breath and reminded myself that this IS for her. And for Reese. And for Grant Jr. Hell, what if it WAS just for me solely? Is that so wrong? Like I said in my previous post, I am almost 30(double gulp) and aren't I too entitled to happiness ? The older I get the wiser I get. I know that we create our own happiness. We cannot look at ourselves as victims. "Oh, I got pregnant with Reese when I was in college and then it was too hard to go back." I am not a victim and neither are you. We choose our own paths in life and it is time that I stop feeling sorry for myself that I never finished what I started. So, here's to big mom on campus. I choose happiness. I choose strength. I choose respect. Even if it requires me pulling up my big girl panties and escaping from the kids for awhile.

R & G are still out of town. My heart aches for them. But my brain is saying, "HOLY SHIT BALLS, IT IS SO NICE AND QUIET AROUND HERE!"

June 9, 2010

The house is so quiet it is almost deafening. Reese and Grant are on vacation in Arkansas with my parents. I am praying for the sanity of my mom and dad ;-) They are searching for diamonds at Crater of Diamonds State Park. My son promised me that he'd find one for me. My daughter on the other hand says she is going to find one and "sell it for a hundred thousand million dollars." I wished her luck with that and wondered if I should tell her that her plan is impossible, but isn't that the best part about being a child? It's all just like a fairy tale and I'll let her figure it out on her own.
Speaking of Reese, she is definitely not a five year old in spirit. She chooses the Discovery Channel and the Turner Classic Movie channel over Disney. She is determined that she is going to be famous and I tell her that I will support her in anything she does in life. As long as she is happy(and safe.) Have I mentioned that I am overly protective and I haven't slept in almost 6 years because I worry so much about my babies. But, ultimately it is all in God's hands so I pass my fears onto Him. While on the subject, Reese is in LOVE with God. She says that He loves her more than anyone in the world because He "made her" and as a mother I have to swallow my human pride and admit that "yes, but mommy is in a close second."

I am eagerly waiting to hear if the "Blue Bear" has yet to make his appearance in Arkansas. The Blue Bear is my son's imaginary friend. I am still not sure if he literally thinks his friend is physically with him, but either way, I run with it and even encourage the made up stories. Ridiculous as they all sound, Grant is expressing his imagination. I have heard countless stories about the Blue Bear. I think my favorite was that the "Blue Bear built his own house in the woods and hangs out with his girlfriend there." My least favorite story is how this imaginary friend supposedly taught Grant how to poop outside.

And then there is Rowan. Oh sweet Rowan. I am not sure why she is such a good child. You hear that "God gives us only what we can handle." and I think that He knew I needed a good natured baby. At this point she is not in the weird category that I have placed the other two in.
She is walking everywhere and I always find myself laughing at her bowed short legs struggling to keep an even pace. Her newest achievements have been saying "thank you" and pointing to everything in which is a very impressive fine motor skill. Although I'd love to keep making beautiful babies, I am 99.9% sure she is our last baby.

As for me, I am almost 29. I know that age is just a number but I am beginning to notice changes in my skin and this has led me to search for the fountain of youth. I wish I could just embrace these laugh lines because I have certainly enjoyed every laugh that put the lines there. I am now applying moisturizer twice daily in hopes of delaying the dreadful word AGING.
I still am uncertain about what I want to be when I grow up. I worked hard to become a real estate broker and I always want to keep my license and will probably be 80 years old in heels selling houses. But, I want more out of life. I want to make a difference on a daily basis in the lives of people I encounter. I want to hold a special needs child, love on them. Or be a councelor for a 16 year old who becomes pregnant, let her cry on my shoulder and educate her how life starts at conception.
But, I still have atleast 1 1/2 years before I will make my first official resume. Can I include "professional ass wiper for 6 years" on there?

This week may be a little boring with freak 1 and freak 2 out of town. But, I will try to entertain my followers (if I get any:)