the calm before the storm

Storm-An atmospheric disturbance manifested in strong winds accompanied by rain, snow, or other precipitation and often by thunder and lightning.

I know "calm before the storm" is just a saying, and the word storm stands for what is about to occur, but truth be told my life since my divorce has been a storm. There has been rain. There has been snow. There has been thunder and a lot of lightning. BUT, I have learned to dance in these weather conditions.

I know I am not perfect, I make mistakes. Since 2010 I have grown into the woman that I never knew I was. It hasn't been easy, and I have burned bridges and possibly have made a fool of myself along the way. I am a good mother, a good friend and a good daughter. Maybe one day I'll be a good girlfriend and eventually wife, but this has been the "selfish" phase in my life.

I have hurt men, although a huge percentage of them have well deserved it. I have put all of my faith into this TV show which means I have taken time away from my children to film. But, I spent ALL of my 20's with breast milk flying everywhere, changing dirty diapers and even though enjoying it all, this selfish phase I have been in has gotten me to where I am now. A cast member on a tv show on A&E.
People ask me all the time, "are you excited?" The best answer I have for them is "Yes, I am excited to see where it takes the kids and me." Being listed as a "celebrity" on TV Guide and other online sites is of course enticing, but it's more than that for me. I don't see it as being a "reality star" I see it as an opportunity to be a star to my children. Because the REALITY is, no man can provide for us the way that mommy should.

I don't know where any of this will lead us, but I can say that when my children watch me on tv (currently just the commercials) with excitement in their eyes, it is a reminder to me that we must take chances in life. I took a chance becoming a single mother of three children. This allowed me to run with the wind. And then I took a chance living with with my parents for stability while I was running through the stormy weather. You have two options when faced with a storm. 1. Let the world pass you by and settle for what seems to be the sunny weather. or, 2. dance in the rain.

Unless you are a single mother with three children, you have no idea what it is like. At one point I was a full time college student, BROKE, an unpaid intern and taking care of three kids, unmarried. All at once.
Looking back I never looked at it as a road block. Some women can't have children. Some women do not have the opportunity to go back to college, some women can't get an internship of her dreams.
I look at it as that was the luckiest time in my life.
It is never about WHERE YOU ARE GOING, it is about HOW YOU GET THERE.

So, please friends. Don't call me a "tv star," call me a mommy who took chances. Call me a Real Estate Broker who worked hard and sacrificed a lot to have the stars align for me. A woman who opens her mouth when it rains to feel the water, makes snow bunnies, stands by a tree when there is lightning, has her heart flutter when the thunder roars and most of all, dances in the rain with my children.

God bless you all and thank you for ALL of the support. After all, if this storm passes too quickly, I could be working at Sonic in a month ;-0

Now go out there and face YOUR storm, after all.....the weather is always unpredictable for us all.

Like a tattoo.

Unintentionally this blog over the last year and a half has become the evolution of me. Most women would not admit my following words, but that is solely the reason I am comfortable doing so. I know that a lot of women in my position are wanting to, or at least they think this way. You see, I walked away from my marriage with nothing and everything. Everything as in three children, nothing as in equity of the house and a business. After my divorce I clung to the first man that came my way. This doesn't disregard my feelings for this individual, although looking back it is obvious to me that I tried to force that relationship. It was clear to us all that it was a toxic relationship. I am free spirited, fun, go with the flow, very open about my private life yet he was actually the extreme opposite. But, I tried to force us. After the break up, I distinctly remember thinking, "I am never going to move out of my parents' house." I dated a guy or two within months of that relationship ending, each time unconsciously looking for a way out of the dining room. Found myself with a boyfriend soon after, in which we spoke about living together, marriage, blah blah blah throw up in my mouth kind of stuff. When that ended, as they always end, I thought, "there is no way three kids and I can get a house on my own without him." But, then it dawned on me. And I truly believe this Epiphany has made all the difference. I don't need a man to help me get a house. I can and will do this myself. I honestly am completely content being alone. Not only have I had this realization, I am fairly certain that in order for me to be happy in a relationship, my income must be equal or more than my partner. I am convinced this is a necessity for my happiness. I am unsure what has caused this new way of thinking, but I have an idea. I was beat down in a marriage by a man who truly made me believe that the only thing I was good at was changing diapers and even that was questionable in his eyes. I wasn't ever good enough. I did not have a college degree nor much work experience. So, I have felt intimated by men in relationships, unequal, incompetent. It wasn't until recently when I stepped foot in New York that I realized the potential that I really do have. As I am standing there, looking at the amazing buildings, the people rushing by, the production company calling my name, the employees of this production company recognizing me as I walk in to meet them, it was the most surreal feeling I have ever experienced. And then I spent half of my trip alone, thinking. Thoughts such as "what will it be like when the public recognizes me from the show?" "How will I handle it?" "Do I really want this?"

This week I had a dear friend tell me that it has always made him sad how his mother was treated badly in her marriage, she never left to pursue her dreams, yet lost her life before given the chance. My friend expressed to me how he always wished she would have left his dad, been happy, followed her dreams, lived outside the box. It struck a chord with me. It was the answer to my question of "Do I really want this?" ABSOLUTELY. If this is the road to self sufficiency, my kids being proud of mommy on a national tv show on a huge network, them knowing that I wanted a better life for them than YES it is. I am doing it for all of the women who have been unable to fulfill their dreams and aspirations. "How will I handle it?" Hopefully with grace, compassion, and most of all strength. The thought of millions of people watching you on tv is frightening. Strangers are going to ridicule me, tear me apart. But, I am ready. And I am ready to face the fact that I don't need a man to help me move out of my parents' house, I need the drive that snuck me into employee parking at ABC 13 to land a reporting internship and the courage to audition for a real estate reality show. Who knew that the "strength"Chinese symbol tattoo I got the day of obtaining my brokers license, the star I had put on my foot in LA, and then "Serendipity" written across my rib cage would all intertwine with each other one day. I have had the strength to save the kids and I from an unhappy home, I have watched the stars align for me, and have had the accidental discovery of loving reality tv. These three tattoos are a vital reminder of who I am, and what I am about to achieve. And for the first time in my life, I am taking comfort knowing that a man has not helped me get to where I am at, nor will one get me to where I am going.

Maybe now I can put the past in the past and accept this new me. And eventually this new me will allow the person I am supposed to be with, enter my life, equally.

finding me.

It has been an incredible amount of time since my last blog. I am taking a deep breath as I write this now in relief, I had no idea who I was while writing my last entry in March. I can close my eyes and picture that woman I was. Lost, scared, and confused. Never knowing who to cling to, always searching for happiness. All while dying on the inside with a big smile on my face. Admittedly, I have gotten off path a time or two since my divorce. Trying to create yourself is one of the hardest, yet one of the most rewarding times in your life. So, here is to getting back to me, or shall I say finding me?

You see, I have never been single. Literally have had a boyfriend since kindergarten. Let's face it, it is hard sometimes to be single. I have always had men (boys) knocking on my door. And I am not bragging by any means. I have attracted some awful men. Some of these men have cheated, lied, abused, and then some who were just wanting fun while I was wanting love. I used to just go with the flow, not hold my standards to where they should be. As I am approaching a huge time in my life, entering my 30's, I have certain standards that I will uphold to any man I meet. Before I invest feelings and emotions into a man, I have to make sure his intentions are aligned with mine.

With all of this said, I have NEEDED to be single in order to find the real me. Not the Kristen that conforms to the man she is in a relationship with. For instance, of course I like working out. But, do I really enjoy living, eating and breathing it? No. Of course I like concerts. But, do I like corny romantic music at a terrible venue? No. Of course I like making money, but do I consume my thoughts with how to screw someone over to make a buck? No. Of course I like staying in and watching movies, but do I want to sit around cigarette smoke and pizza followed by a beer? No. Of course I like communicating with a partner throughout day, but does that mean I want a man texting me ALLLL day and getting mad when I can't hang out? No.
Obviously a couple has to balance out their interests, but WOMEN: never forget who you are in a relationship. Bend, but never collapse.

I have spent the latter part of my twenties terrified that I was never going to find my "one." The "one" who will look in my eyes on our wedding day and tell me that the smartest thing he ever did was make me his. The "one" who will encourage me to reach for my dreams. The "one" who will anticipate becoming a parent with me. Rub and talk to my belly. Attend dr's appt's with me. Excitedly welcome OUR baby into our life. Cuddle with me. Take long walks on the beach with me and grab my hand. Tell me he loves me. Find a man who welcomes, loves, and is a positive influence in my children's lives. Grow old with me. Be my best friend. Once again, be my best friend.
Too much to ask for? Absolutely not. And I refuse to settle for anything less than what us FOUR deserve. And if that means spending my entire life single- well, than so be it. I am done with worrying. Done with trying to control every situation in my life. Done with putting all of my eggs in one man's basket. The day a man throws away my running shoes is the day I will stop running. "I am a very loving woman with so much to offer on the table. And there IS a man who would love to be sitting across that table from me who deserves it all." Every one of you women reading this should repeat that daily whether you are single, married, in a relationship or divorced. KNOW your worth and never let any man treat you less than that. And if you have a boyfriend or a husband that is across your table who appreciates your worth, acknowledges what you have to offer, loves you through thick and thin, and you are his one and only, than GIVE HIM EVERYTHING YOU HAVE. Heart, mind, body and soul. Until then, proceed with caution ladies.

I will have my happy ending. I will allow myself to be loved. But, I have left the woman who searches for it behind. I have searched and found SELF GRATIFICATION and that has made all the difference in my perspective of a lifelong potential mate and the timing of it all.

Let's focus on the things that we CAN control. Whether it be graduating college, advancing your career, spending more time with your children, making a difference in your community, or reading self help books to better know your worth, these are things that will help us become happier women. And in turn, we will be better spouses, girlfriends, and in my case, attract my "one."

In closing, I'll say that we all want love. As a psychology minor, I have studied many, many hours of the male and female wants and needs. So, do not ever feel that you are needy or even desperate for a companion. We all feel that want to share our lives with someone at some point in our lives. Just remember to let go and let it happen as it should.

Thanks for reading. I am off to human sex class now to giggle. My future husband is going to be one lucky man ;-)

Today is a new day

Everytime I walk into the news room, a rush of excitement comes over me. And everytime I see my kids, a rush of love hits me. Balancing the two? Women do this everyday. And I have never considered myself a typical woman so this is not impossible. But, then there is that third aspect of happiness. Finding someone to share all of this with. I say that, but the older I get I have realized that it is not about "finding" someone, it's about allowing everything to fall into place. I like having a companion. Someone to turn to, talk to, and someone to hold me. But, what if there is so much more substance possibilities that I have no idea about? What if holding out my emotions, love, and body for the right one will be so much more amazing. Patience is something I have never had a handle on. But, I think being patient and waiting for the man who is worth having my emotions, love and body would have so much more meaning in the relationship. With each year that passes I learn so much more about men, and in turn, learn so much more about myself. I know that men who promise me the world and tell me they love me before REALLY knowing me is translated to : I just want to get in your pants. I am not saying I am opposed to being intimate, as I am an affectionate woman who loves to be held, but after my last relationship, I am more cautious about who I let in. Although I will not allow ____ to make me bitter, having a guard up will be beneficial. Which leads me to this question: is there something wrong with me? My g'friends tell me to go crazy, enjoy being single. Literally tell me I need a sex therapist b/c I say I would not get any enjoyment of being with someone without emotions attached. I think I just answered my own question. Absolutely nothing wrong with me. Just a woman who dreams big. Dreams for the best. And anything or anyone not worthy of ME will only hurt my spirit again. I am going to embrace being the woman that I am. And when the time is right, I will be ready. In the meanwhile, I am going to look in the rear view mirror to remind myself that I do not sit on the sidelines and watch life pass me by, not look at it for answers from the past. Today is a new day. A day to make it happen. A day to be hopeful that I will fall in love and have that love be reciprocated to me AND my babies. I have no doubt I will have the career, the fairytale love, all while remaining the mommy my babies need.

Here's to lessons learned.

It has been quite some time since my last post. I don't know where the time has gone, I almost feel as if I have just floated through time since then. So wrapped up in the moment that I haven't been able to fully grasp what I was going through. Getting a divorce is not a walk in the park, not even if it was a mutual decision. A divorce symbolizes failure and I never want to fail again.

I haven't had too much "me" time so it has been hard to gather my thoughts for a blog.

School is, well...it's school. I can without a doubt tell you that my 4.0 is in jeopardy. But, I am actually ok with that. I never said I wanted to take over the world, I just wanted the option to.

Kids are doing well. I am still trying to make the best decisions for them. They are my ONLY certainties in life and I am happily obligated to ensure that they have the best. So, there is a lot that has been weighing on my mind. Some decisions are more important than the others, but they are all tied together like a shoelace that has been unraveled. But, momma is quietly judging and taking notes and will kneel down and tie those laces again very soon. I am just going through the motions in life, living one day at a time. I may not have it all figured out at this moment in time but it is all becoming clear to me. I have been in a maze and I am making my way out again. I thought I knew myself before, but I have faith that I will truly know me when I reach the end of this particular road. I am wondering around searching for the next path.

I feel that today may be a step closer to that road. For the first time in a long time, I have taken a deep breath and actually took time to consider the things that I do not want in life. It is easy to summarize the things that you do want, but realizing what you do not want really puts everything into perspective.

Apart of me wants to take chances. But, how do we ever know if that one chance we take will put us in the same situation later in life? I believe that is where "lessons learned" takes place.

There should never be mistakes in life. Rather, lessons learned.

Assess your situation. Allow yourself to consider what is important to you. Is making over 100k/year important to you? Is dating a man that loves your kids important to you? Is marrying someone who is attentive to your emotions important to you? Maybe being a stay at home mommy is important to you. Whatever it is, make sure you KNOW and make sure you MAKE it happen and NEVER settle for less. Settling for less is what leads to that infamous word: FAILURE.

Have a great night my beautiful g'friends. Remember that we create our own happiness. Depressed state of minds are temporary. Latch on to your goals in life. Don't lose sight of who YOU are and NEVER let anyone change the REAL YOU.

I can only imagine

http://www.teamhoyt.com/

Please watch this video and read about the increbile love of this father.

I can only imagine how beautiful it will be for Rick to see our Heavenly Father. He will be free to use his legs. Walk beside our Maker. Dance with Jesus. How glorifying it is to think how this life is just a stepping stone to where we really belong because we don't belong here---this is our temporary home.

The Early Years
Rick was born in 1962 to Dick and Judy Hoyt. As a result of oxygen deprivation to Rick's brain at the time of his birth, Rick was diagnosed as a spastic quadriplegic with cerebral palsy. Dick and Judy were advised to institutionalize Rick because there was no chance of him recovering, and little hope for Rick to live a "normal" life. This was just the beginning of Dick and Judy's quest for Rick's inclusion in community, sports, education and one day, the workplace.

Dick and Judy soon realized that though Rick couldn't walk or speak; he was quite astute and his eyes would follow them around the room. They fought to integrate Rick into the public school system, pushing administrators to see beyond Rick's physical limitations. Dick and Judy would take Rick sledding and swimming, and even taught him the alphabet and basic words, like any other child. After providing concrete evidence of Rick's intellect and ability to learn like everyone else, Dick and Judy needed to find a way to help Rick communicate for himself. More...

The Beginning of Team Hoyt
In the spring of 1977, Rick told his father that he wanted to participate in a 5-mile benefit run for a Lacrosse player who had been paralyzed in an accident. Far from being a long-distance runner, Dick agreed to push Rick in his wheelchair and they finished all 5 miles, coming in next to last. That night, Rick told his father, "Dad, when I'm running, it feels like I'm not handicapped."

This realization was just the beginning of what would become over 1,000 races completed, including marathons, duathlons and triathlons (6 of them being Ironman competitions). Also adding to their list of achievements, Dick and Rick biked and ran across the U.S. in 1992, completing a full 3,735 miles in 45 days. More...

In a triathlon, Dick will pull Rick in a boat with a bungee cord attached to a vest around his waist and to the front of the boat for the swimming stage. For the biking stage, Rick will ride a special two-seater bicycle, and then Dick will push Rick in his custom made running chair (for the running stage).

Rick was once asked, if he could give his father one thing, what would it be? Rick responded, "The thing I'd most like is for my dad to sit in the chair and I would push him for once."

The 2009 Boston Marathon was officially Team Hoyt's 1000th race. Rick always says if it comes down to doing one race a year he would like it to be the Boston Marathon: his favorite race. Dick Hoyt hopes that he is able to push Rick in the Boston Marathon when he is 70 years old (2011)! Neither Dick or Rick are ready to retire yet.

we aren't embarassed to ask random strangers to take our picture.

Nah, taking three kids to UHD to speak to an advisor and then talking to the financial aid department wasn't that bad. I mean, after all....my son is wearing an indian hat. This was a very important day for us. Before we walked into the university, I told them the importance of this trip. I told them that this is the first step to mommy being able to buy us a house. Buy them nice things and have a comfortable life. Other than fighting over who was going to push the elevator button first, they were actually very well behaved. I think they get it. I really do. Well, except for the sumu wrestler in the stroller ;-) She is oblivious to mostly everything. And well. Ok, the indian guy pretty much walks with his head up his ass, but he sure is cute doing it. Reese is taking all this in like a sponge. She is a 35 year old stuck in a 5 year olds body I think.

All in all, I wouldn't have imagined that important day of registering for 18 hours at UHD spent with anyone other than my three babies. They give me encouragement, inspiration.

G'night.