It has been an incredible amount of time since my last blog. I am taking a deep breath as I write this now in relief, I had no idea who I was while writing my last entry in March. I can close my eyes and picture that woman I was. Lost, scared, and confused. Never knowing who to cling to, always searching for happiness. All while dying on the inside with a big smile on my face. Admittedly, I have gotten off path a time or two since my divorce. Trying to create yourself is one of the hardest, yet one of the most rewarding times in your life. So, here is to getting back to me, or shall I say finding me?
You see, I have never been single. Literally have had a boyfriend since kindergarten. Let's face it, it is hard sometimes to be single. I have always had men (boys) knocking on my door. And I am not bragging by any means. I have attracted some awful men. Some of these men have cheated, lied, abused, and then some who were just wanting fun while I was wanting love. I used to just go with the flow, not hold my standards to where they should be. As I am approaching a huge time in my life, entering my 30's, I have certain standards that I will uphold to any man I meet. Before I invest feelings and emotions into a man, I have to make sure his intentions are aligned with mine.
With all of this said, I have NEEDED to be single in order to find the real me. Not the Kristen that conforms to the man she is in a relationship with. For instance, of course I like working out. But, do I really enjoy living, eating and breathing it? No. Of course I like concerts. But, do I like corny romantic music at a terrible venue? No. Of course I like making money, but do I consume my thoughts with how to screw someone over to make a buck? No. Of course I like staying in and watching movies, but do I want to sit around cigarette smoke and pizza followed by a beer? No. Of course I like communicating with a partner throughout day, but does that mean I want a man texting me ALLLL day and getting mad when I can't hang out? No.
Obviously a couple has to balance out their interests, but WOMEN: never forget who you are in a relationship. Bend, but never collapse.
I have spent the latter part of my twenties terrified that I was never going to find my "one." The "one" who will look in my eyes on our wedding day and tell me that the smartest thing he ever did was make me his. The "one" who will encourage me to reach for my dreams. The "one" who will anticipate becoming a parent with me. Rub and talk to my belly. Attend dr's appt's with me. Excitedly welcome OUR baby into our life. Cuddle with me. Take long walks on the beach with me and grab my hand. Tell me he loves me. Find a man who welcomes, loves, and is a positive influence in my children's lives. Grow old with me. Be my best friend. Once again, be my best friend.
Too much to ask for? Absolutely not. And I refuse to settle for anything less than what us FOUR deserve. And if that means spending my entire life single- well, than so be it. I am done with worrying. Done with trying to control every situation in my life. Done with putting all of my eggs in one man's basket. The day a man throws away my running shoes is the day I will stop running. "I am a very loving woman with so much to offer on the table. And there IS a man who would love to be sitting across that table from me who deserves it all." Every one of you women reading this should repeat that daily whether you are single, married, in a relationship or divorced. KNOW your worth and never let any man treat you less than that. And if you have a boyfriend or a husband that is across your table who appreciates your worth, acknowledges what you have to offer, loves you through thick and thin, and you are his one and only, than GIVE HIM EVERYTHING YOU HAVE. Heart, mind, body and soul. Until then, proceed with caution ladies.
I will have my happy ending. I will allow myself to be loved. But, I have left the woman who searches for it behind. I have searched and found SELF GRATIFICATION and that has made all the difference in my perspective of a lifelong potential mate and the timing of it all.
Let's focus on the things that we CAN control. Whether it be graduating college, advancing your career, spending more time with your children, making a difference in your community, or reading self help books to better know your worth, these are things that will help us become happier women. And in turn, we will be better spouses, girlfriends, and in my case, attract my "one."
In closing, I'll say that we all want love. As a psychology minor, I have studied many, many hours of the male and female wants and needs. So, do not ever feel that you are needy or even desperate for a companion. We all feel that want to share our lives with someone at some point in our lives. Just remember to let go and let it happen as it should.
Thanks for reading. I am off to human sex class now to giggle. My future husband is going to be one lucky man ;-)
Monday, March 14, 2011
Everytime I walk into the news room, a rush of excitement comes over me. And everytime I see my kids, a rush of love hits me. Balancing the two? Women do this everyday. And I have never considered myself a typical woman so this is not impossible. But, then there is that third aspect of happiness. Finding someone to share all of this with. I say that, but the older I get I have realized that it is not about "finding" someone, it's about allowing everything to fall into place. I like having a companion. Someone to turn to, talk to, and someone to hold me. But, what if there is so much more substance possibilities that I have no idea about? What if holding out my emotions, love, and body for the right one will be so much more amazing. Patience is something I have never had a handle on. But, I think being patient and waiting for the man who is worth having my emotions, love and body would have so much more meaning in the relationship. With each year that passes I learn so much more about men, and in turn, learn so much more about myself. I know that men who promise me the world and tell me they love me before REALLY knowing me is translated to : I just want to get in your pants. I am not saying I am opposed to being intimate, as I am an affectionate woman who loves to be held, but after my last relationship, I am more cautious about who I let in. Although I will not allow ____ to make me bitter, having a guard up will be beneficial. Which leads me to this question: is there something wrong with me? My g'friends tell me to go crazy, enjoy being single. Literally tell me I need a sex therapist b/c I say I would not get any enjoyment of being with someone without emotions attached. I think I just answered my own question. Absolutely nothing wrong with me. Just a woman who dreams big. Dreams for the best. And anything or anyone not worthy of ME will only hurt my spirit again. I am going to embrace being the woman that I am. And when the time is right, I will be ready. In the meanwhile, I am going to look in the rear view mirror to remind myself that I do not sit on the sidelines and watch life pass me by, not look at it for answers from the past. Today is a new day. A day to make it happen. A day to be hopeful that I will fall in love and have that love be reciprocated to me AND my babies. I have no doubt I will have the career, the fairytale love, all while remaining the mommy my babies need.