Unintentionally this blog over the last year and a half has become the evolution of me. Most women would not admit my following words, but that is solely the reason I am comfortable doing so. I know that a lot of women in my position are wanting to, or at least they think this way. You see, I walked away from my marriage with nothing and everything. Everything as in three children, nothing as in equity of the house and a business. After my divorce I clung to the first man that came my way. This doesn't disregard my feelings for this individual, although looking back it is obvious to me that I tried to force that relationship. It was clear to us all that it was a toxic relationship. I am free spirited, fun, go with the flow, very open about my private life yet he was actually the extreme opposite. But, I tried to force us. After the break up, I distinctly remember thinking, "I am never going to move out of my parents' house." I dated a guy or two within months of that relationship ending, each time unconsciously looking for a way out of the dining room. Found myself with a boyfriend soon after, in which we spoke about living together, marriage, blah blah blah throw up in my mouth kind of stuff. When that ended, as they always end, I thought, "there is no way three kids and I can get a house on my own without him." But, then it dawned on me. And I truly believe this Epiphany has made all the difference. I don't need a man to help me get a house. I can and will do this myself. I honestly am completely content being alone. Not only have I had this realization, I am fairly certain that in order for me to be happy in a relationship, my income must be equal or more than my partner. I am convinced this is a necessity for my happiness. I am unsure what has caused this new way of thinking, but I have an idea. I was beat down in a marriage by a man who truly made me believe that the only thing I was good at was changing diapers and even that was questionable in his eyes. I wasn't ever good enough. I did not have a college degree nor much work experience. So, I have felt intimated by men in relationships, unequal, incompetent. It wasn't until recently when I stepped foot in New York that I realized the potential that I really do have. As I am standing there, looking at the amazing buildings, the people rushing by, the production company calling my name, the employees of this production company recognizing me as I walk in to meet them, it was the most surreal feeling I have ever experienced. And then I spent half of my trip alone, thinking. Thoughts such as "what will it be like when the public recognizes me from the show?" "How will I handle it?" "Do I really want this?"
This week I had a dear friend tell me that it has always made him sad how his mother was treated badly in her marriage, she never left to pursue her dreams, yet lost her life before given the chance. My friend expressed to me how he always wished she would have left his dad, been happy, followed her dreams, lived outside the box. It struck a chord with me. It was the answer to my question of "Do I really want this?" ABSOLUTELY. If this is the road to self sufficiency, my kids being proud of mommy on a national tv show on a huge network, them knowing that I wanted a better life for them than YES it is. I am doing it for all of the women who have been unable to fulfill their dreams and aspirations. "How will I handle it?" Hopefully with grace, compassion, and most of all strength. The thought of millions of people watching you on tv is frightening. Strangers are going to ridicule me, tear me apart. But, I am ready. And I am ready to face the fact that I don't need a man to help me move out of my parents' house, I need the drive that snuck me into employee parking at ABC 13 to land a reporting internship and the courage to audition for a real estate reality show. Who knew that the "strength"Chinese symbol tattoo I got the day of obtaining my brokers license, the star I had put on my foot in LA, and then "Serendipity" written across my rib cage would all intertwine with each other one day. I have had the strength to save the kids and I from an unhappy home, I have watched the stars align for me, and have had the accidental discovery of loving reality tv. These three tattoos are a vital reminder of who I am, and what I am about to achieve. And for the first time in my life, I am taking comfort knowing that a man has not helped me get to where I am at, nor will one get me to where I am going.
Maybe now I can put the past in the past and accept this new me. And eventually this new me will allow the person I am supposed to be with, enter my life, equally.