Monday, March 14, 2011
Everytime I walk into the news room, a rush of excitement comes over me. And everytime I see my kids, a rush of love hits me. Balancing the two? Women do this everyday. And I have never considered myself a typical woman so this is not impossible. But, then there is that third aspect of happiness. Finding someone to share all of this with. I say that, but the older I get I have realized that it is not about "finding" someone, it's about allowing everything to fall into place. I like having a companion. Someone to turn to, talk to, and someone to hold me. But, what if there is so much more substance possibilities that I have no idea about? What if holding out my emotions, love, and body for the right one will be so much more amazing. Patience is something I have never had a handle on. But, I think being patient and waiting for the man who is worth having my emotions, love and body would have so much more meaning in the relationship. With each year that passes I learn so much more about men, and in turn, learn so much more about myself. I know that men who promise me the world and tell me they love me before REALLY knowing me is translated to : I just want to get in your pants. I am not saying I am opposed to being intimate, as I am an affectionate woman who loves to be held, but after my last relationship, I am more cautious about who I let in. Although I will not allow ____ to make me bitter, having a guard up will be beneficial. Which leads me to this question: is there something wrong with me? My g'friends tell me to go crazy, enjoy being single. Literally tell me I need a sex therapist b/c I say I would not get any enjoyment of being with someone without emotions attached. I think I just answered my own question. Absolutely nothing wrong with me. Just a woman who dreams big. Dreams for the best. And anything or anyone not worthy of ME will only hurt my spirit again. I am going to embrace being the woman that I am. And when the time is right, I will be ready. In the meanwhile, I am going to look in the rear view mirror to remind myself that I do not sit on the sidelines and watch life pass me by, not look at it for answers from the past. Today is a new day. A day to make it happen. A day to be hopeful that I will fall in love and have that love be reciprocated to me AND my babies. I have no doubt I will have the career, the fairytale love, all while remaining the mommy my babies need.