tears are falling. but, from sad to happy.

All is peaceful in the Bredehoeft household. Bredehoeft. B r e d e h o e f t. I love my German last name. But, here we go again with the annoying pronunciations. Richardson was so much more simple. But, simplicity is not what I want out of life.

It is night #2 here. I actually have no shame in living with my parents at almost 30 years old. I know that it is the best for the kids and me. I have registered for 18 hours at UHD Fall semester and will graduate in May 2011 with an Interdiscliplinary Studies specializing in Humanities.

If I am going to put my babies in full time daycare, you bet your ass it's going to be for a good paying job. That damn piece of paper I have been so close to for so long is almost at my fingertips. I can close my eyes and visualize Reese watching me walk across that stage. I can also visualize telling my daughters to never be dependent of a man. Never. I don't want them to ever feel "stuck."

These next two semesters are not going to be easy. But, this is something I must do. For me. For my kids. For Grandma Lena.

Reese starts kindergarten on Monday. I am having conflicting emotions. Seems like just yesterday I found out I was pregnant with her. It was Valentine's Day 2004. The best Valentine's gift (and LAST, enter bitterness here)anyone ever gave me, the day I found out I was going to be a mommy. I can remember thinking about her big day starting school while she was growing inside of me. I would rub my belly and tell her that she needs to take the next 6 years very slow. Why am I crying as I write this? Is it because I am really upset about her starting kinder or is it because I have been a single parent for the last 6 years? Either way, God blessed me with three incredible children who are healthy and I couldn't ask for more out of life. But, as I sit here and write I am hopeful of the future. Not long ago I was asking my OBGYN to cut me off from the baby making department---the tears are falling again---Now, I'm hopeful that one day I will have someone to talk to my belly as his baby is growing inside of me. Go to dr's appts with me, not asking for all but for God's sake atleast the one we find out the gender. Talk to me about baby names with excitement. Help me with the baby's room. Stay with me at the hospital and stare in awe at our creation. I only thought that happend in the movies, but I am hopeful that I can have that one day. I am ONLY 29. Yes, I said only. I know with all my heart that God will allow me to share that with someone one day. One day after graduation.

Grant jr is turning FOUR in a month. I honestly can't remember too much of his first year or two. Truth be told that was the hardest time of my life. I had a wild toddler and a colicky baby. And when I say wild I mean Reese was into EVERYTHING and when I say colicky I mean that Grant screamed his head off for hours and hours and hours every night for months. There were times that I hated life. I loved my kids but hated the situation. Hated that I had to bathe a wild toddler and a screaming baby and get that wild toddler to sleep while breastfeeding a SCREAMING baby all my myself. I think that was a defining time in my life. It changed me. I became angry. Angry that I was doing it all on my own. Angry that I was alone. Angry that three years later I spent almost everynight alone pregnant with Rowan. Rushed to the hospital three times due to preterm labor from dealing with two kids everynight by myself. Angry that I delivered her 6 wks early because of it. But, what good is anger if you can't learn from it? I have learned to never put myself in that situation again. Do I need to explain that I am so grateful for my children and that I mean that I will never marry someone who I didn't think would help me with his child. But, if you know me, I guess I needn't explain anything.

Rowan is the most precious child I have ever laid eyes on. I have missed her. The last 6 weeks have been strange for me. She is my first baby that I haven't been able to be with all day, any day. But, it became easier as time went on. I found myself happy as I was trying to find myself. I never would have gone more than an hour without Reese when she was a toddler. And only my mom watched her that one hour. I didn't even let her sleep in her crib...... she slept next to me for two years. It does get easier with each child. I am a professional mommy and even though they drive me nuts sometimes, I love them with all my heart.

And I am ready for happy tears to fall. I am done with the sad ones.

G'night.