Today is a new day

Everytime I walk into the news room, a rush of excitement comes over me. And everytime I see my kids, a rush of love hits me. Balancing the two? Women do this everyday. And I have never considered myself a typical woman so this is not impossible. But, then there is that third aspect of happiness. Finding someone to share all of this with. I say that, but the older I get I have realized that it is not about "finding" someone, it's about allowing everything to fall into place. I like having a companion. Someone to turn to, talk to, and someone to hold me. But, what if there is so much more substance possibilities that I have no idea about? What if holding out my emotions, love, and body for the right one will be so much more amazing. Patience is something I have never had a handle on. But, I think being patient and waiting for the man who is worth having my emotions, love and body would have so much more meaning in the relationship. With each year that passes I learn so much more about men, and in turn, learn so much more about myself. I know that men who promise me the world and tell me they love me before REALLY knowing me is translated to : I just want to get in your pants. I am not saying I am opposed to being intimate, as I am an affectionate woman who loves to be held, but after my last relationship, I am more cautious about who I let in. Although I will not allow ____ to make me bitter, having a guard up will be beneficial. Which leads me to this question: is there something wrong with me? My g'friends tell me to go crazy, enjoy being single. Literally tell me I need a sex therapist b/c I say I would not get any enjoyment of being with someone without emotions attached. I think I just answered my own question. Absolutely nothing wrong with me. Just a woman who dreams big. Dreams for the best. And anything or anyone not worthy of ME will only hurt my spirit again. I am going to embrace being the woman that I am. And when the time is right, I will be ready. In the meanwhile, I am going to look in the rear view mirror to remind myself that I do not sit on the sidelines and watch life pass me by, not look at it for answers from the past. Today is a new day. A day to make it happen. A day to be hopeful that I will fall in love and have that love be reciprocated to me AND my babies. I have no doubt I will have the career, the fairytale love, all while remaining the mommy my babies need.

Here's to lessons learned.

It has been quite some time since my last post. I don't know where the time has gone, I almost feel as if I have just floated through time since then. So wrapped up in the moment that I haven't been able to fully grasp what I was going through. Getting a divorce is not a walk in the park, not even if it was a mutual decision. A divorce symbolizes failure and I never want to fail again.

I haven't had too much "me" time so it has been hard to gather my thoughts for a blog.

School is, well...it's school. I can without a doubt tell you that my 4.0 is in jeopardy. But, I am actually ok with that. I never said I wanted to take over the world, I just wanted the option to.

Kids are doing well. I am still trying to make the best decisions for them. They are my ONLY certainties in life and I am happily obligated to ensure that they have the best. So, there is a lot that has been weighing on my mind. Some decisions are more important than the others, but they are all tied together like a shoelace that has been unraveled. But, momma is quietly judging and taking notes and will kneel down and tie those laces again very soon. I am just going through the motions in life, living one day at a time. I may not have it all figured out at this moment in time but it is all becoming clear to me. I have been in a maze and I am making my way out again. I thought I knew myself before, but I have faith that I will truly know me when I reach the end of this particular road. I am wondering around searching for the next path.

I feel that today may be a step closer to that road. For the first time in a long time, I have taken a deep breath and actually took time to consider the things that I do not want in life. It is easy to summarize the things that you do want, but realizing what you do not want really puts everything into perspective.

Apart of me wants to take chances. But, how do we ever know if that one chance we take will put us in the same situation later in life? I believe that is where "lessons learned" takes place.

There should never be mistakes in life. Rather, lessons learned.

Assess your situation. Allow yourself to consider what is important to you. Is making over 100k/year important to you? Is dating a man that loves your kids important to you? Is marrying someone who is attentive to your emotions important to you? Maybe being a stay at home mommy is important to you. Whatever it is, make sure you KNOW and make sure you MAKE it happen and NEVER settle for less. Settling for less is what leads to that infamous word: FAILURE.

Have a great night my beautiful g'friends. Remember that we create our own happiness. Depressed state of minds are temporary. Latch on to your goals in life. Don't lose sight of who YOU are and NEVER let anyone change the REAL YOU.

I can only imagine

http://www.teamhoyt.com/

Please watch this video and read about the increbile love of this father.

I can only imagine how beautiful it will be for Rick to see our Heavenly Father. He will be free to use his legs. Walk beside our Maker. Dance with Jesus. How glorifying it is to think how this life is just a stepping stone to where we really belong because we don't belong here---this is our temporary home.

The Early Years
Rick was born in 1962 to Dick and Judy Hoyt. As a result of oxygen deprivation to Rick's brain at the time of his birth, Rick was diagnosed as a spastic quadriplegic with cerebral palsy. Dick and Judy were advised to institutionalize Rick because there was no chance of him recovering, and little hope for Rick to live a "normal" life. This was just the beginning of Dick and Judy's quest for Rick's inclusion in community, sports, education and one day, the workplace.

Dick and Judy soon realized that though Rick couldn't walk or speak; he was quite astute and his eyes would follow them around the room. They fought to integrate Rick into the public school system, pushing administrators to see beyond Rick's physical limitations. Dick and Judy would take Rick sledding and swimming, and even taught him the alphabet and basic words, like any other child. After providing concrete evidence of Rick's intellect and ability to learn like everyone else, Dick and Judy needed to find a way to help Rick communicate for himself. More...

The Beginning of Team Hoyt
In the spring of 1977, Rick told his father that he wanted to participate in a 5-mile benefit run for a Lacrosse player who had been paralyzed in an accident. Far from being a long-distance runner, Dick agreed to push Rick in his wheelchair and they finished all 5 miles, coming in next to last. That night, Rick told his father, "Dad, when I'm running, it feels like I'm not handicapped."

This realization was just the beginning of what would become over 1,000 races completed, including marathons, duathlons and triathlons (6 of them being Ironman competitions). Also adding to their list of achievements, Dick and Rick biked and ran across the U.S. in 1992, completing a full 3,735 miles in 45 days. More...

In a triathlon, Dick will pull Rick in a boat with a bungee cord attached to a vest around his waist and to the front of the boat for the swimming stage. For the biking stage, Rick will ride a special two-seater bicycle, and then Dick will push Rick in his custom made running chair (for the running stage).

Rick was once asked, if he could give his father one thing, what would it be? Rick responded, "The thing I'd most like is for my dad to sit in the chair and I would push him for once."

The 2009 Boston Marathon was officially Team Hoyt's 1000th race. Rick always says if it comes down to doing one race a year he would like it to be the Boston Marathon: his favorite race. Dick Hoyt hopes that he is able to push Rick in the Boston Marathon when he is 70 years old (2011)! Neither Dick or Rick are ready to retire yet.

we aren't embarassed to ask random strangers to take our picture.

Nah, taking three kids to UHD to speak to an advisor and then talking to the financial aid department wasn't that bad. I mean, after all....my son is wearing an indian hat. This was a very important day for us. Before we walked into the university, I told them the importance of this trip. I told them that this is the first step to mommy being able to buy us a house. Buy them nice things and have a comfortable life. Other than fighting over who was going to push the elevator button first, they were actually very well behaved. I think they get it. I really do. Well, except for the sumu wrestler in the stroller ;-) She is oblivious to mostly everything. And well. Ok, the indian guy pretty much walks with his head up his ass, but he sure is cute doing it. Reese is taking all this in like a sponge. She is a 35 year old stuck in a 5 year olds body I think.

All in all, I wouldn't have imagined that important day of registering for 18 hours at UHD spent with anyone other than my three babies. They give me encouragement, inspiration.

G'night.

My hope is floating.

tears are falling. but, from sad to happy.

All is peaceful in the Bredehoeft household. Bredehoeft. B r e d e h o e f t. I love my German last name. But, here we go again with the annoying pronunciations. Richardson was so much more simple. But, simplicity is not what I want out of life.

It is night #2 here. I actually have no shame in living with my parents at almost 30 years old. I know that it is the best for the kids and me. I have registered for 18 hours at UHD Fall semester and will graduate in May 2011 with an Interdiscliplinary Studies specializing in Humanities.

If I am going to put my babies in full time daycare, you bet your ass it's going to be for a good paying job. That damn piece of paper I have been so close to for so long is almost at my fingertips. I can close my eyes and visualize Reese watching me walk across that stage. I can also visualize telling my daughters to never be dependent of a man. Never. I don't want them to ever feel "stuck."

These next two semesters are not going to be easy. But, this is something I must do. For me. For my kids. For Grandma Lena.

Reese starts kindergarten on Monday. I am having conflicting emotions. Seems like just yesterday I found out I was pregnant with her. It was Valentine's Day 2004. The best Valentine's gift (and LAST, enter bitterness here)anyone ever gave me, the day I found out I was going to be a mommy. I can remember thinking about her big day starting school while she was growing inside of me. I would rub my belly and tell her that she needs to take the next 6 years very slow. Why am I crying as I write this? Is it because I am really upset about her starting kinder or is it because I have been a single parent for the last 6 years? Either way, God blessed me with three incredible children who are healthy and I couldn't ask for more out of life. But, as I sit here and write I am hopeful of the future. Not long ago I was asking my OBGYN to cut me off from the baby making department---the tears are falling again---Now, I'm hopeful that one day I will have someone to talk to my belly as his baby is growing inside of me. Go to dr's appts with me, not asking for all but for God's sake atleast the one we find out the gender. Talk to me about baby names with excitement. Help me with the baby's room. Stay with me at the hospital and stare in awe at our creation. I only thought that happend in the movies, but I am hopeful that I can have that one day. I am ONLY 29. Yes, I said only. I know with all my heart that God will allow me to share that with someone one day. One day after graduation.

Grant jr is turning FOUR in a month. I honestly can't remember too much of his first year or two. Truth be told that was the hardest time of my life. I had a wild toddler and a colicky baby. And when I say wild I mean Reese was into EVERYTHING and when I say colicky I mean that Grant screamed his head off for hours and hours and hours every night for months. There were times that I hated life. I loved my kids but hated the situation. Hated that I had to bathe a wild toddler and a screaming baby and get that wild toddler to sleep while breastfeeding a SCREAMING baby all my myself. I think that was a defining time in my life. It changed me. I became angry. Angry that I was doing it all on my own. Angry that I was alone. Angry that three years later I spent almost everynight alone pregnant with Rowan. Rushed to the hospital three times due to preterm labor from dealing with two kids everynight by myself. Angry that I delivered her 6 wks early because of it. But, what good is anger if you can't learn from it? I have learned to never put myself in that situation again. Do I need to explain that I am so grateful for my children and that I mean that I will never marry someone who I didn't think would help me with his child. But, if you know me, I guess I needn't explain anything.

Rowan is the most precious child I have ever laid eyes on. I have missed her. The last 6 weeks have been strange for me. She is my first baby that I haven't been able to be with all day, any day. But, it became easier as time went on. I found myself happy as I was trying to find myself. I never would have gone more than an hour without Reese when she was a toddler. And only my mom watched her that one hour. I didn't even let her sleep in her crib...... she slept next to me for two years. It does get easier with each child. I am a professional mommy and even though they drive me nuts sometimes, I love them with all my heart.

And I am ready for happy tears to fall. I am done with the sad ones.

G'night.

:) I can go back blond now. It's who I am. And I'm ok with her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1bxlDAjGCo