the calm before the storm

Storm-An atmospheric disturbance manifested in strong winds accompanied by rain, snow, or other precipitation and often by thunder and lightning.

I know "calm before the storm" is just a saying, and the word storm stands for what is about to occur, but truth be told my life since my divorce has been a storm. There has been rain. There has been snow. There has been thunder and a lot of lightning. BUT, I have learned to dance in these weather conditions.

I know I am not perfect, I make mistakes. Since 2010 I have grown into the woman that I never knew I was. It hasn't been easy, and I have burned bridges and possibly have made a fool of myself along the way. I am a good mother, a good friend and a good daughter. Maybe one day I'll be a good girlfriend and eventually wife, but this has been the "selfish" phase in my life.

I have hurt men, although a huge percentage of them have well deserved it. I have put all of my faith into this TV show which means I have taken time away from my children to film. But, I spent ALL of my 20's with breast milk flying everywhere, changing dirty diapers and even though enjoying it all, this selfish phase I have been in has gotten me to where I am now. A cast member on a tv show on A&E.
People ask me all the time, "are you excited?" The best answer I have for them is "Yes, I am excited to see where it takes the kids and me." Being listed as a "celebrity" on TV Guide and other online sites is of course enticing, but it's more than that for me. I don't see it as being a "reality star" I see it as an opportunity to be a star to my children. Because the REALITY is, no man can provide for us the way that mommy should.

I don't know where any of this will lead us, but I can say that when my children watch me on tv (currently just the commercials) with excitement in their eyes, it is a reminder to me that we must take chances in life. I took a chance becoming a single mother of three children. This allowed me to run with the wind. And then I took a chance living with with my parents for stability while I was running through the stormy weather. You have two options when faced with a storm. 1. Let the world pass you by and settle for what seems to be the sunny weather. or, 2. dance in the rain.

Unless you are a single mother with three children, you have no idea what it is like. At one point I was a full time college student, BROKE, an unpaid intern and taking care of three kids, unmarried. All at once.
Looking back I never looked at it as a road block. Some women can't have children. Some women do not have the opportunity to go back to college, some women can't get an internship of her dreams.
I look at it as that was the luckiest time in my life.
It is never about WHERE YOU ARE GOING, it is about HOW YOU GET THERE.

So, please friends. Don't call me a "tv star," call me a mommy who took chances. Call me a Real Estate Broker who worked hard and sacrificed a lot to have the stars align for me. A woman who opens her mouth when it rains to feel the water, makes snow bunnies, stands by a tree when there is lightning, has her heart flutter when the thunder roars and most of all, dances in the rain with my children.

God bless you all and thank you for ALL of the support. After all, if this storm passes too quickly, I could be working at Sonic in a month ;-0

Now go out there and face YOUR storm, after all.....the weather is always unpredictable for us all.

Like a tattoo.

Unintentionally this blog over the last year and a half has become the evolution of me. Most women would not admit my following words, but that is solely the reason I am comfortable doing so. I know that a lot of women in my position are wanting to, or at least they think this way. You see, I walked away from my marriage with nothing and everything. Everything as in three children, nothing as in equity of the house and a business. After my divorce I clung to the first man that came my way. This doesn't disregard my feelings for this individual, although looking back it is obvious to me that I tried to force that relationship. It was clear to us all that it was a toxic relationship. I am free spirited, fun, go with the flow, very open about my private life yet he was actually the extreme opposite. But, I tried to force us. After the break up, I distinctly remember thinking, "I am never going to move out of my parents' house." I dated a guy or two within months of that relationship ending, each time unconsciously looking for a way out of the dining room. Found myself with a boyfriend soon after, in which we spoke about living together, marriage, blah blah blah throw up in my mouth kind of stuff. When that ended, as they always end, I thought, "there is no way three kids and I can get a house on my own without him." But, then it dawned on me. And I truly believe this Epiphany has made all the difference. I don't need a man to help me get a house. I can and will do this myself. I honestly am completely content being alone. Not only have I had this realization, I am fairly certain that in order for me to be happy in a relationship, my income must be equal or more than my partner. I am convinced this is a necessity for my happiness. I am unsure what has caused this new way of thinking, but I have an idea. I was beat down in a marriage by a man who truly made me believe that the only thing I was good at was changing diapers and even that was questionable in his eyes. I wasn't ever good enough. I did not have a college degree nor much work experience. So, I have felt intimated by men in relationships, unequal, incompetent. It wasn't until recently when I stepped foot in New York that I realized the potential that I really do have. As I am standing there, looking at the amazing buildings, the people rushing by, the production company calling my name, the employees of this production company recognizing me as I walk in to meet them, it was the most surreal feeling I have ever experienced. And then I spent half of my trip alone, thinking. Thoughts such as "what will it be like when the public recognizes me from the show?" "How will I handle it?" "Do I really want this?"

This week I had a dear friend tell me that it has always made him sad how his mother was treated badly in her marriage, she never left to pursue her dreams, yet lost her life before given the chance. My friend expressed to me how he always wished she would have left his dad, been happy, followed her dreams, lived outside the box. It struck a chord with me. It was the answer to my question of "Do I really want this?" ABSOLUTELY. If this is the road to self sufficiency, my kids being proud of mommy on a national tv show on a huge network, them knowing that I wanted a better life for them than YES it is. I am doing it for all of the women who have been unable to fulfill their dreams and aspirations. "How will I handle it?" Hopefully with grace, compassion, and most of all strength. The thought of millions of people watching you on tv is frightening. Strangers are going to ridicule me, tear me apart. But, I am ready. And I am ready to face the fact that I don't need a man to help me move out of my parents' house, I need the drive that snuck me into employee parking at ABC 13 to land a reporting internship and the courage to audition for a real estate reality show. Who knew that the "strength"Chinese symbol tattoo I got the day of obtaining my brokers license, the star I had put on my foot in LA, and then "Serendipity" written across my rib cage would all intertwine with each other one day. I have had the strength to save the kids and I from an unhappy home, I have watched the stars align for me, and have had the accidental discovery of loving reality tv. These three tattoos are a vital reminder of who I am, and what I am about to achieve. And for the first time in my life, I am taking comfort knowing that a man has not helped me get to where I am at, nor will one get me to where I am going.

Maybe now I can put the past in the past and accept this new me. And eventually this new me will allow the person I am supposed to be with, enter my life, equally.

finding me.

It has been an incredible amount of time since my last blog. I am taking a deep breath as I write this now in relief, I had no idea who I was while writing my last entry in March. I can close my eyes and picture that woman I was. Lost, scared, and confused. Never knowing who to cling to, always searching for happiness. All while dying on the inside with a big smile on my face. Admittedly, I have gotten off path a time or two since my divorce. Trying to create yourself is one of the hardest, yet one of the most rewarding times in your life. So, here is to getting back to me, or shall I say finding me?

You see, I have never been single. Literally have had a boyfriend since kindergarten. Let's face it, it is hard sometimes to be single. I have always had men (boys) knocking on my door. And I am not bragging by any means. I have attracted some awful men. Some of these men have cheated, lied, abused, and then some who were just wanting fun while I was wanting love. I used to just go with the flow, not hold my standards to where they should be. As I am approaching a huge time in my life, entering my 30's, I have certain standards that I will uphold to any man I meet. Before I invest feelings and emotions into a man, I have to make sure his intentions are aligned with mine.

With all of this said, I have NEEDED to be single in order to find the real me. Not the Kristen that conforms to the man she is in a relationship with. For instance, of course I like working out. But, do I really enjoy living, eating and breathing it? No. Of course I like concerts. But, do I like corny romantic music at a terrible venue? No. Of course I like making money, but do I consume my thoughts with how to screw someone over to make a buck? No. Of course I like staying in and watching movies, but do I want to sit around cigarette smoke and pizza followed by a beer? No. Of course I like communicating with a partner throughout day, but does that mean I want a man texting me ALLLL day and getting mad when I can't hang out? No.
Obviously a couple has to balance out their interests, but WOMEN: never forget who you are in a relationship. Bend, but never collapse.

I have spent the latter part of my twenties terrified that I was never going to find my "one." The "one" who will look in my eyes on our wedding day and tell me that the smartest thing he ever did was make me his. The "one" who will encourage me to reach for my dreams. The "one" who will anticipate becoming a parent with me. Rub and talk to my belly. Attend dr's appt's with me. Excitedly welcome OUR baby into our life. Cuddle with me. Take long walks on the beach with me and grab my hand. Tell me he loves me. Find a man who welcomes, loves, and is a positive influence in my children's lives. Grow old with me. Be my best friend. Once again, be my best friend.
Too much to ask for? Absolutely not. And I refuse to settle for anything less than what us FOUR deserve. And if that means spending my entire life single- well, than so be it. I am done with worrying. Done with trying to control every situation in my life. Done with putting all of my eggs in one man's basket. The day a man throws away my running shoes is the day I will stop running. "I am a very loving woman with so much to offer on the table. And there IS a man who would love to be sitting across that table from me who deserves it all." Every one of you women reading this should repeat that daily whether you are single, married, in a relationship or divorced. KNOW your worth and never let any man treat you less than that. And if you have a boyfriend or a husband that is across your table who appreciates your worth, acknowledges what you have to offer, loves you through thick and thin, and you are his one and only, than GIVE HIM EVERYTHING YOU HAVE. Heart, mind, body and soul. Until then, proceed with caution ladies.

I will have my happy ending. I will allow myself to be loved. But, I have left the woman who searches for it behind. I have searched and found SELF GRATIFICATION and that has made all the difference in my perspective of a lifelong potential mate and the timing of it all.

Let's focus on the things that we CAN control. Whether it be graduating college, advancing your career, spending more time with your children, making a difference in your community, or reading self help books to better know your worth, these are things that will help us become happier women. And in turn, we will be better spouses, girlfriends, and in my case, attract my "one."

In closing, I'll say that we all want love. As a psychology minor, I have studied many, many hours of the male and female wants and needs. So, do not ever feel that you are needy or even desperate for a companion. We all feel that want to share our lives with someone at some point in our lives. Just remember to let go and let it happen as it should.

Thanks for reading. I am off to human sex class now to giggle. My future husband is going to be one lucky man ;-)

Today is a new day

Everytime I walk into the news room, a rush of excitement comes over me. And everytime I see my kids, a rush of love hits me. Balancing the two? Women do this everyday. And I have never considered myself a typical woman so this is not impossible. But, then there is that third aspect of happiness. Finding someone to share all of this with. I say that, but the older I get I have realized that it is not about "finding" someone, it's about allowing everything to fall into place. I like having a companion. Someone to turn to, talk to, and someone to hold me. But, what if there is so much more substance possibilities that I have no idea about? What if holding out my emotions, love, and body for the right one will be so much more amazing. Patience is something I have never had a handle on. But, I think being patient and waiting for the man who is worth having my emotions, love and body would have so much more meaning in the relationship. With each year that passes I learn so much more about men, and in turn, learn so much more about myself. I know that men who promise me the world and tell me they love me before REALLY knowing me is translated to : I just want to get in your pants. I am not saying I am opposed to being intimate, as I am an affectionate woman who loves to be held, but after my last relationship, I am more cautious about who I let in. Although I will not allow ____ to make me bitter, having a guard up will be beneficial. Which leads me to this question: is there something wrong with me? My g'friends tell me to go crazy, enjoy being single. Literally tell me I need a sex therapist b/c I say I would not get any enjoyment of being with someone without emotions attached. I think I just answered my own question. Absolutely nothing wrong with me. Just a woman who dreams big. Dreams for the best. And anything or anyone not worthy of ME will only hurt my spirit again. I am going to embrace being the woman that I am. And when the time is right, I will be ready. In the meanwhile, I am going to look in the rear view mirror to remind myself that I do not sit on the sidelines and watch life pass me by, not look at it for answers from the past. Today is a new day. A day to make it happen. A day to be hopeful that I will fall in love and have that love be reciprocated to me AND my babies. I have no doubt I will have the career, the fairytale love, all while remaining the mommy my babies need.

Here's to lessons learned.

It has been quite some time since my last post. I don't know where the time has gone, I almost feel as if I have just floated through time since then. So wrapped up in the moment that I haven't been able to fully grasp what I was going through. Getting a divorce is not a walk in the park, not even if it was a mutual decision. A divorce symbolizes failure and I never want to fail again.

I haven't had too much "me" time so it has been hard to gather my thoughts for a blog.

School is, well...it's school. I can without a doubt tell you that my 4.0 is in jeopardy. But, I am actually ok with that. I never said I wanted to take over the world, I just wanted the option to.

Kids are doing well. I am still trying to make the best decisions for them. They are my ONLY certainties in life and I am happily obligated to ensure that they have the best. So, there is a lot that has been weighing on my mind. Some decisions are more important than the others, but they are all tied together like a shoelace that has been unraveled. But, momma is quietly judging and taking notes and will kneel down and tie those laces again very soon. I am just going through the motions in life, living one day at a time. I may not have it all figured out at this moment in time but it is all becoming clear to me. I have been in a maze and I am making my way out again. I thought I knew myself before, but I have faith that I will truly know me when I reach the end of this particular road. I am wondering around searching for the next path.

I feel that today may be a step closer to that road. For the first time in a long time, I have taken a deep breath and actually took time to consider the things that I do not want in life. It is easy to summarize the things that you do want, but realizing what you do not want really puts everything into perspective.

Apart of me wants to take chances. But, how do we ever know if that one chance we take will put us in the same situation later in life? I believe that is where "lessons learned" takes place.

There should never be mistakes in life. Rather, lessons learned.

Assess your situation. Allow yourself to consider what is important to you. Is making over 100k/year important to you? Is dating a man that loves your kids important to you? Is marrying someone who is attentive to your emotions important to you? Maybe being a stay at home mommy is important to you. Whatever it is, make sure you KNOW and make sure you MAKE it happen and NEVER settle for less. Settling for less is what leads to that infamous word: FAILURE.

Have a great night my beautiful g'friends. Remember that we create our own happiness. Depressed state of minds are temporary. Latch on to your goals in life. Don't lose sight of who YOU are and NEVER let anyone change the REAL YOU.

I can only imagine

http://www.teamhoyt.com/

Please watch this video and read about the increbile love of this father.

I can only imagine how beautiful it will be for Rick to see our Heavenly Father. He will be free to use his legs. Walk beside our Maker. Dance with Jesus. How glorifying it is to think how this life is just a stepping stone to where we really belong because we don't belong here---this is our temporary home.

The Early Years
Rick was born in 1962 to Dick and Judy Hoyt. As a result of oxygen deprivation to Rick's brain at the time of his birth, Rick was diagnosed as a spastic quadriplegic with cerebral palsy. Dick and Judy were advised to institutionalize Rick because there was no chance of him recovering, and little hope for Rick to live a "normal" life. This was just the beginning of Dick and Judy's quest for Rick's inclusion in community, sports, education and one day, the workplace.

Dick and Judy soon realized that though Rick couldn't walk or speak; he was quite astute and his eyes would follow them around the room. They fought to integrate Rick into the public school system, pushing administrators to see beyond Rick's physical limitations. Dick and Judy would take Rick sledding and swimming, and even taught him the alphabet and basic words, like any other child. After providing concrete evidence of Rick's intellect and ability to learn like everyone else, Dick and Judy needed to find a way to help Rick communicate for himself. More...

The Beginning of Team Hoyt
In the spring of 1977, Rick told his father that he wanted to participate in a 5-mile benefit run for a Lacrosse player who had been paralyzed in an accident. Far from being a long-distance runner, Dick agreed to push Rick in his wheelchair and they finished all 5 miles, coming in next to last. That night, Rick told his father, "Dad, when I'm running, it feels like I'm not handicapped."

This realization was just the beginning of what would become over 1,000 races completed, including marathons, duathlons and triathlons (6 of them being Ironman competitions). Also adding to their list of achievements, Dick and Rick biked and ran across the U.S. in 1992, completing a full 3,735 miles in 45 days. More...

In a triathlon, Dick will pull Rick in a boat with a bungee cord attached to a vest around his waist and to the front of the boat for the swimming stage. For the biking stage, Rick will ride a special two-seater bicycle, and then Dick will push Rick in his custom made running chair (for the running stage).

Rick was once asked, if he could give his father one thing, what would it be? Rick responded, "The thing I'd most like is for my dad to sit in the chair and I would push him for once."

The 2009 Boston Marathon was officially Team Hoyt's 1000th race. Rick always says if it comes down to doing one race a year he would like it to be the Boston Marathon: his favorite race. Dick Hoyt hopes that he is able to push Rick in the Boston Marathon when he is 70 years old (2011)! Neither Dick or Rick are ready to retire yet.

we aren't embarassed to ask random strangers to take our picture.

Nah, taking three kids to UHD to speak to an advisor and then talking to the financial aid department wasn't that bad. I mean, after all....my son is wearing an indian hat. This was a very important day for us. Before we walked into the university, I told them the importance of this trip. I told them that this is the first step to mommy being able to buy us a house. Buy them nice things and have a comfortable life. Other than fighting over who was going to push the elevator button first, they were actually very well behaved. I think they get it. I really do. Well, except for the sumu wrestler in the stroller ;-) She is oblivious to mostly everything. And well. Ok, the indian guy pretty much walks with his head up his ass, but he sure is cute doing it. Reese is taking all this in like a sponge. She is a 35 year old stuck in a 5 year olds body I think.

All in all, I wouldn't have imagined that important day of registering for 18 hours at UHD spent with anyone other than my three babies. They give me encouragement, inspiration.

G'night.

My hope is floating.

tears are falling. but, from sad to happy.

All is peaceful in the Bredehoeft household. Bredehoeft. B r e d e h o e f t. I love my German last name. But, here we go again with the annoying pronunciations. Richardson was so much more simple. But, simplicity is not what I want out of life.

It is night #2 here. I actually have no shame in living with my parents at almost 30 years old. I know that it is the best for the kids and me. I have registered for 18 hours at UHD Fall semester and will graduate in May 2011 with an Interdiscliplinary Studies specializing in Humanities.

If I am going to put my babies in full time daycare, you bet your ass it's going to be for a good paying job. That damn piece of paper I have been so close to for so long is almost at my fingertips. I can close my eyes and visualize Reese watching me walk across that stage. I can also visualize telling my daughters to never be dependent of a man. Never. I don't want them to ever feel "stuck."

These next two semesters are not going to be easy. But, this is something I must do. For me. For my kids. For Grandma Lena.

Reese starts kindergarten on Monday. I am having conflicting emotions. Seems like just yesterday I found out I was pregnant with her. It was Valentine's Day 2004. The best Valentine's gift (and LAST, enter bitterness here)anyone ever gave me, the day I found out I was going to be a mommy. I can remember thinking about her big day starting school while she was growing inside of me. I would rub my belly and tell her that she needs to take the next 6 years very slow. Why am I crying as I write this? Is it because I am really upset about her starting kinder or is it because I have been a single parent for the last 6 years? Either way, God blessed me with three incredible children who are healthy and I couldn't ask for more out of life. But, as I sit here and write I am hopeful of the future. Not long ago I was asking my OBGYN to cut me off from the baby making department---the tears are falling again---Now, I'm hopeful that one day I will have someone to talk to my belly as his baby is growing inside of me. Go to dr's appts with me, not asking for all but for God's sake atleast the one we find out the gender. Talk to me about baby names with excitement. Help me with the baby's room. Stay with me at the hospital and stare in awe at our creation. I only thought that happend in the movies, but I am hopeful that I can have that one day. I am ONLY 29. Yes, I said only. I know with all my heart that God will allow me to share that with someone one day. One day after graduation.

Grant jr is turning FOUR in a month. I honestly can't remember too much of his first year or two. Truth be told that was the hardest time of my life. I had a wild toddler and a colicky baby. And when I say wild I mean Reese was into EVERYTHING and when I say colicky I mean that Grant screamed his head off for hours and hours and hours every night for months. There were times that I hated life. I loved my kids but hated the situation. Hated that I had to bathe a wild toddler and a screaming baby and get that wild toddler to sleep while breastfeeding a SCREAMING baby all my myself. I think that was a defining time in my life. It changed me. I became angry. Angry that I was doing it all on my own. Angry that I was alone. Angry that three years later I spent almost everynight alone pregnant with Rowan. Rushed to the hospital three times due to preterm labor from dealing with two kids everynight by myself. Angry that I delivered her 6 wks early because of it. But, what good is anger if you can't learn from it? I have learned to never put myself in that situation again. Do I need to explain that I am so grateful for my children and that I mean that I will never marry someone who I didn't think would help me with his child. But, if you know me, I guess I needn't explain anything.

Rowan is the most precious child I have ever laid eyes on. I have missed her. The last 6 weeks have been strange for me. She is my first baby that I haven't been able to be with all day, any day. But, it became easier as time went on. I found myself happy as I was trying to find myself. I never would have gone more than an hour without Reese when she was a toddler. And only my mom watched her that one hour. I didn't even let her sleep in her crib...... she slept next to me for two years. It does get easier with each child. I am a professional mommy and even though they drive me nuts sometimes, I love them with all my heart.

And I am ready for happy tears to fall. I am done with the sad ones.

G'night.

:) I can go back blond now. It's who I am. And I'm ok with her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1bxlDAjGCo

Writing is good for the soul.

CHANGES. I must say that change is a little harder than I remember. Is it the fear of the unknown that scares me? Letting go, moving on, starting over..... ?

Packing alone has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. Add three kids at your feet and it really takes it all to a different emotional level. Although, their occasional giggles put everything into perspective for me.

When did I become an emotional eater? I have eaten an entire batch of cookies, Reese's Pieces, Dr Pepper GALORE and Mexican food just today. Still no cigarette---- so what's a couple extra pounds that my mother begs me to gain anyway. And speaking of my parents(and my brother,)

I am just shaking my head in awe at their love and kindness. They make my kids and me a priority, therefore they will always be a priority of mine.

I have a lot to consider. A lot of decisions to make about the future for the kids and me. I am not sure what the future holds. But, I do know that I have three responsibilities and I owe it to them to be the best that I can be for them. This may be a defining moment in their life.

The kids and I visited the Star of Hope today. I have come to the conclusion that I drive that 25 minute drive every other day for a reason other than donations. Maybe I'm selfish for this, but it is a reminder to me. A reminder that I do have somewhere to go. A family that loves my kids and me. Two days ago I got into an in depth conversation with a male employee of the SOH, who lives at the men's shelter. He told me of his divorce and inability to find a full time job, therefore had no other choice but to reside at the shelter. I hugged him and told him that THIS TOO SHALL PASS and then I got in my car, with my three kids looking at me with their bright,hopeful eyes and I thanked God at that moment for my family. For accepting my change. For supporting my change. That man needs the Star of Hope for employment. Not me. I need the Star of Hope for fulfillment. And encouragement that I can be a better person.

I strive to be that better person. A better mother, sister, daughter, friend, and maybe one day wife. I am a sinner. We all are. And I am not going to write as if I have perfected any one of those titles. But, the next half of my life and there on out will be devoted to reaching that perfection. Someone once shared the "backpack theory" with me. At almost 30, I feel confident that I have wrapped my head around the meaning of the theory. I have three kids in my backpack. And anyone who is positive, supportive, loving, and encouraging can join them in my backpack. Anyone else is not a worry of mine.

I am done chasing pavements. I am done worrying about what I can't control and focusing on what I can.

Falling into place.

Oh, and yes. I deactivated my Facebook. I know, this is almost unbelievable. But, you know what?? I have stepped into the boxing ring and I'm fighting for what is important to me.

It's not what happens to you in life, it's how you handle it.

The kids are asleep---and I just had my first Dr Pepper in days---- so, I can't sleep and I have much running through my mind.

The kids and I are moving in with my parents soon. I want this whole process to be a smooth transition for them. Even though I am swallowing my pride and giving up my home and my freedom, I know that this is the best option for the only three certainties I have in life: Reese, Grant jr, and Rowan.

Job hunting without a college degree is definitely not the most confident I have been. After I threw a pity party tonight, I saw a video of an incredible man with no limbs who did not let what most people would call a "disadvantage" limit himself. If this man can achieve all that he has dreamed of, I can too. It's not what happens to you in life, it's how you handle it

During my adventures in search for a job today, I ended up in a building for a property management position that shared the building with a modeling agency. I looked at the door to the management company. Then I looked at the door to the modeling agency. I knew that one door would have led me to quick cash that I could use. And I knew that the other door was going to be a fight to prove myself. Sometimes in life we find that one thing, or person, that is worth the fight.

I smiled at the modeling agency company, held my head up high, and told myself that it's fight time and walked into the property management company.

The end result may not lead to a job offer, but I chose the new path. The path that may not have instant gratification, but rather a lifetime of wise decisions. I closed the door to modeling two years ago. And this new path im on is closing doors and never looking back. With faith and visualizing the "big picture," I can reach the other side of the mountain with my heart, my knowledge, my passion, my drive. Not my looks.

Maybe, just maybe, people will look past my past and allow me put on my boxing gloves and fight for what I want, not what I use to want. And fight for me handling situations better. Afterall, it is never about what happens to you in life.

change yourself. change your world.

I wish I was a little bit more mysterious but I am about as open as a book can be. When I am happy with a particular person, you will know about it. When I am happy with a particular activity, you will know about it.

So I don't think it's too much of a shocker to say that there are certain aspects of my life that are making me unhappy. But, I live by "we create our own happiness" and I am determined to be happy in all the ways possible. If I am happy than it will reflect on my children and therefore they will be happy. After all, everything I do ultimately is for them.

The old me would be smoking a pack of cigarettes right about now. But, remember that new found superwoman I have found? She led me to do something that I never imagined I'd be able to do. CrossFit. CrossFit has quickly became a lifestyle change for me.
Since my junior year in high school (yes, that was a very long time ago) I haven't consistently worked out. My idea of working out the last 11 years was a stair stepper with a dr pepper in one hand and texting every girlfriend I had in the other. I may look healthy and in shape but I am not.
I came to a cross road in my life and decided to take the route that I never would have taken before. The HEALTHY route. Whether it's CrossFit or deciding to never smoke again or getting rid of any unhealthy relationship in my life, I know that it's what's best for my kids and me.
You hear it all the time, but life IS too short to continue taking the wrong road. Stop thinking people are going to change. Change yourself and you can change your world.

Look past your front door.

As you may know, I put my my all into Seth's benefit. I can honestly sit here and say that I never have been more passionate about anything in my life. I truly wanted to raise money for his mother to give her less of a financial burden. Planning the benefit was not an easy thing. I had a lot of help but ultimately the entire event was based on my decisions. Yes, it was stressful but every time I felt overwhelmed, I'd look at my three healthy babies and thank God. Being Jennifer is stressful, not helping her from the sidelines.

The day of the benefit I was, well....you could say a little frazzled. The day that I had planned for over 2 months had arrived. My three kids were there, of course and I was trying to run the show while making sure my kids were safe. I wont name any names but a particular somebody decided to get completely drunk. Subsequently, I felt a lot of pressure to run the entire benefit's events AND keep an eye on my children.

After the benefit I was eager to count the donations that we had received. Now, here comes the defining moment in my life. I will never forget lying on the ground counting the money after an incredibly tiring two months of anticipation for this very moment. How much money did we raise? I was so very excited yet ultimately had no one to share it with. As I was counting the money I had to endure a lecture on how I should keep 10% of the donations for the work I had done from the drunk. Even writing this makes me want to vomit. After the SUPERWOMAN in me came out, the drunk left, I laid on the floor crying for hours. Obviously I did not make a profit off of my friend's son's benefit. What kind of person does that? A person that just defined a moment in my life.

On another note. I never got to meet Seth. Although, I have read about him and seen pictures for years on Myspace and Facebook. I do know that as a mother I cannot imagine what Jennifer has gone through. I hope I never have to. I know that she misses Seth more than any of us can imagine. Each day I pray for her strength.

The benefit brought me closer to a lot of people and it helped me see that there are incredible people in our community. Sometimes you just have to look past your front door to find them.

we are not so different you and I

I love my three children more than life itself. But, there is just something about the children at the homeless shelter that fulfills me. I have been seeing these children every month and when I am lucky, I get to see them on their birthdays too.
My own babies give me every emotion you can imagine, but the homeless children give me a more in depth feeling of appreciation.

I don't even know their names and they don't know mine. But, when I see them and they see me, we cling to each other. It isn't a hug I get from a friend or even my own children. The hug I receive from the homeless children is out of desperation, hope. They give me hope that I can be a better person and I give them hope that they have a future.

Sometimes at Cookie Night I see my volunteers laughing and interacting with the residents of the Star of Hope. At times I become an outsider and observe them laughing and hugging. You have no idea how fulfilling that is for me to share the love of these children with others. It is an utmost rewarding feeling.

You see, I proudly grew up in Corrigan. I wasn't a country club child nor do I have any negative feelings to those who were. Actually, many of my friends were. But, Grant only finds the importance of our children hanging out with those at the country club and not the homeless shelter. He actually blatantly doesn't like Cookie Night. I disagree with his reasoning. It is utterly encouraging to see my children playing with the children at the shelter. They are seeing how other people live and at just (almost) 6 and 4, Reese and Grant Jr have grasped the concept that they are so incredibly blessed. Money may buy nice things and make life easier but I am telling you right now that life is not about money and I never want my children to live that way. I want to raise them knowing that it is OUR job as parents, Christians, as humans, to be the salt of the earth. To give back. To love on children less fortunate. To be kind to everyone. After all, we are all fighting our own battles.

I want to tell the mothers at the shelter that "We are not so different, you and I." The color of their skin may be darker than mine. But, we bleed red. We breathe the same air. We have the same Father. We all cry, laugh, love, need, give. I am a very open person so I have no shame admitting this. But, as a single mother I cried on an apartment floor for hours not knowing how I was going to pay for bills. The difference between myself and the mothers at the shelter is that I had a place to go to. I have parents who welcome my children and me with open arms. These mothers do not. So, how can I not help them? I made a promise to myself that I will never be in that situation again (enter college degree here) as well as promising God that I will make it a life necessity to be there for the women who don't have that opportunity.

Lying on that apartment floor screaming for God was a defining moment in my life. It lead me to eventually finding my inner superwoman. And that has made all the difference in my life.

life is unknown but a mother's love is certain.

Two years ago I stood in Dominique's spot at KPRC Local 2 and read a teleprompter, thanks to a friend of mine who worked at the station. As I read the words, tears rolled down my eyes. I never really realized how much of an impact that moment would have on me. At the time I was somehow sucked into the LA scene and being told different things such as, "you have the face for Hollywood." I never wanted to be a model or famous. Just to make sure you read that correctly, I NEVER WANTED TO BE A MODEL or famous. Psychologists would have a field day with the reasons I acted upon any of that, but it doesn't matter to me. Since I was fifteen, I wanted to be a newscaster. I would literally turn down the volume and read the words the reporters were saying on the television for hours upon hours. I thoroughly enjoyed doing the morning news in high school for Broadcast Journalism class and even though I may not have been the best radio dj, I loved being Kris Kelly on 89.7 KACC. I attended the best college for Radio and Televesion, SHSU, and tears rolled down my face when I saw that Sam Houston statue as I pulled into Huntsville each time. I loved walking up that hill to class in the Dan Rather building. The building named after the man who grew up with my grandfather, Robert Bredehoeft. I had a letter typed out to Mr. Rather asking him if I could intern with him in NY. I never sent the letter. I fell in love. And that love led us to cohabitation, marriage, a baby and then two more babies. So, I mostly forgot about the passion I used to have for Broadcast Journalism. But, here I am. Almost 29 years old and hanging on to my youth with every inch of my mind, body and soul. And I am thinking back to two years ago when I sat in that newstation and felt this overwhelming sense of "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MODELING, YOU SHOULD BE DOING THIS. " But, then I became pregnant. I am laughing as I say that because I am SO incredibly happy that I did. I love her so much and God sure has a sense of humor. But, here I am. Back in college. Maybe I won't ever end up on the news. Maybe that was just a fantasy dream. But, how can I ever live with myself if I don't get the degree and be on equal playing field as the others? Maybe I will finish school next year and decide that I do want to be a real estate broker the rest of my life. But, how will I ever know if I don't explore my options?

Reese is once again on vacation with my parents. I think they were mostly afraid she'd be mad that they went without her. I still owe her $100 for stealing the show after her recital performance. She ran to the front of the stage when dance was over and took a bow and blew a kiss. Like I said before, she will be on Broadway one day. And I will always be her biggest fan.

Little G's imaginary friend is now a female named Leah. She is his girlfriend and he says that the Blue Bear has a girlfriend too. Ultimately, I have witnessed my son transform into a guy that hangs out with his buddies to a guy who is interested in the ladies.

Rowan. Well, she is just a short little lady who looks like a midget with a huge rear end when naked. She was the missing piece of my heart. And I feel complete in the child bearing department. Well, maybe.

secret infatuation.

My Dearest,
I wake up every morning thinking about you. My mouth quivers at the thought of you touching my lips, making my tongue ripple as you enter. You smoothly touch the top of my throat while tickling my whole body. You are so gentle as you flow down my throat and caress every inch of my insides as you go down. Your dark color and desirable texture is like no other. There is nothing that compares to you. I have tried others and I haven't seem to find the satisfaction as I do with you.
Oh Dr Pepper. You make this woman happy.

A woman's sense of self worth.

I don't have too many funny things to blog about today. Well, I mean, don't get me wrong. My whole life is humorous. From writing right now with mostly my left hand because I slammed the right one in the door at the vet's office to asking a homeless person for fifty cents so I could have enough money to pay the meter in the streets of Downtown Houston this morning so I could turn my assignment in. That was clearly a run on sentence but I consider myself a run on sentence so it suits this blog.

Rowan and Little G have been content at home with Amanda and Reese started camp today. So, I don't have too many good laughs to share with you about them. I think I have become immune to their weirdness so it isn't such a shocker to me when my daughter does things like spread Coco's legs and tell a complete stranger today at the vet's office "see, she is a girl."

There is this one subject lying on my mind lately and it is a woman's sense of self worth.
I have been a stay at home mom for the majority of the last 6 years. Yes, I became a broker and solely opened a real estate company while my kids were in Mother's Day Out, but I was there at 2pm to pick them up everyday. So, I can look back and say that, yes, being a mother is the most rewarding job I will ever have. But, as women we sometimes get lost in our children. We deserve something of our own. Google Faith Hill's "I Can't Do That Anymore."
I grew up in a family where we valued what God has given us. I do appreciate the fact that I can be a stay at home mother. I do appreciate that the good Lord has blessed me with three perfect human beings that I don't think I deserve. I do appreciate that I have a home. I have a decent SUV. But, I have sat in the corner and watched my husband become Mr. Successful. And even though I reached for the stars by opening my very own real estate business at 25 and in fact was successful at it, I still had two children at my feet Monday-Thursday after 2pm and all day Friday's. Between a marital separation and a big surprise pregnancy, I had to let my company go. But, what you aren't reading between the lines is that everything happens for a reason. I gained a sense of self worth when I owned Richardson Real Estate. But, God lead me down a different path. The numbers 714 lead me to The University of Houston and as odd as that may sound, I am proud to say that my great grandmother Lena is telling me to earn a degree and earn respect. Gain your sense of self worth again. So, here I am. Listening to my grandfather's mother whom I have never had the pleasure of meeting. Lena was a woman of great strength. She delivered and cared for her 10 children while grandfather George was in the fields working. She didn't have the opportunity to gain a sense of self worth. I do. I am not saying that every woman should seek a degree or they will never feel fulfilled. We all have our own needs and desires. We just have to attain the knowledge to seek it. The confidence we deserve.

So, ladies. Let's explore our opportunities and grasp what YOU want in life. Our children will not only benefit from our new found demand for respect but they will never forget that mom never let her aspirations go even when she was taking care of them. Find your inner superwoman, she is there.

how can I not mention this?

I have written about my 5 year old daughter being wise beyond her years so how can I not mention this?

While in Arkansas last week with my parents, my son, as I mentioned in previous post he likes to do, was telling one of his stories in the car. As the mother who hears these stories on a regular basis, I know that must have been a long car ride. My dad, who I must say loves my children more than his own life, simply said, "Reese, what would you do with a roll of duct tape?"
Now, I have been around many children as a substitute for a couple of years and then there was that ONE hour that I worked at a daycare. So, I know that her response confirms why I say she is way beyond her years. She said without any hesitant , "I'd put it over my brother's mouth."